Not only did I love the new RE, but I walked out with a diagnosis.
Dr. Drews was so thorough, clearly communicated his thoughts and never once did he discredit my previous clinic. I was there for 2 1/2 hours and he covered everything. Based upon my previous response in IVF, he wanted to check me for PCOS. Even though I don't have any telltale PCOS signs, he wanted to to test me for insulin resistance and PCOS. He did a ridiculously thorough ultrasound and immediately saw 20 small cysts on my right ovary in the textbook PCOS pattern. I had 11 on my left and it looked similar. I had 31 smal cysts on my ovaries...not residual from IVF cysts.....classic, look like a pearl necklace in my ovaries PCOS cysts. WTF? HOW WAS THIS NOT SEEN AT MY PREVIOUS CLINIC? So there it is...I have PCOS.
I go for my insulin blood test on Monday. I will get the results back from that next week. I carry my extra baggage in my middle...a risk factor for type 2 diabetes. Since type 2 diabetes runs in my family, I am pretty sure I have this as well, as is Dr. Drews.
I have my RX for Metformin and will be on this until I get pregnant or cycle again, whichever comes first. I also have to be on a low-carb, low-sugar diet, most likely forever. The longer you are on Metaformin, the better quality cycle.
He also discovered the source of my spotting. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? My cervix is positioned a bit funny and is damaged from child birth. We actually saw this on the ultrasound screen. This has no negative impact on me getting pregnant.
So that is is....I start Metformin next week and will be on it until middle Septmeber/October time frame. Provided PCOS and insulin resistence are my ONLY egg quality issues, there is a good chance I can get pregnant on my own!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!
I am beyond happy to have an idea of what is going on and why we are having such a hard time. On the other hand, I am so angry at my old clinic. How did they miss this? How did I miss this? Whatever....I am focused on the now and now is awesome. I am still holding my head high and am enjoying my life. I vow to live this way now until the day I die. This journey of 2IF may suck, but I am blessed beyond beief in every other area of my life.
Until next time.........xoxoxo
Amanda
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Aftermath
So I had my WTF appointment on Friday and sure enough I didn't get good news. All of my embryos have a high percentage of fragmentation, which leads my RE to believe this is an egg quality issue. She was very nice and explained everything thoroughly, but I was still crushed. I knew this was coming, so I was as prepared as one could be to hear that your egg quality sucks.
My RE did not pressure me into another cycle and recommended I take the spring and summer to live my life. She made recommendations for an antagonist protocol next time, but she doesn't want to see me back until August/September. She said she truly believes that I have some good eggs left and that she is determined to find them. She also addressed my spotting and apologized for not effectively communicating why it isn't a concern of theirs. She said that they have run every test they possibly could and there is nothing that leads them to believe that this bleeding is a result of a progesterone deficiency or an abnormality within the uterus. She said that I just have an extremely sensitive cervix that is irritated easily, but nothing to worry about. We told her that although we know she is a wonderful RE, we needed to seek another opinion for our own peace of mind and she recommended we do that.
Even though I feel like I was sucker punched, I am not giving up. I am still taking a break and enjoying normalcy for a few months. I am going for a second opinion in 2 weeks and we will see what the new RE has to say. I am also going to continue Reiki sessions and exercising. Call it being naive or blind faith, but I know with my whole heart that I will be a mom again and I will not let secondary infertility control me or how I feel anymore. I will hold my head up high and live my life because I refuse to waste anymore time.
Until next time......xoxoxoxo
Amanda
My RE did not pressure me into another cycle and recommended I take the spring and summer to live my life. She made recommendations for an antagonist protocol next time, but she doesn't want to see me back until August/September. She said she truly believes that I have some good eggs left and that she is determined to find them. She also addressed my spotting and apologized for not effectively communicating why it isn't a concern of theirs. She said that they have run every test they possibly could and there is nothing that leads them to believe that this bleeding is a result of a progesterone deficiency or an abnormality within the uterus. She said that I just have an extremely sensitive cervix that is irritated easily, but nothing to worry about. We told her that although we know she is a wonderful RE, we needed to seek another opinion for our own peace of mind and she recommended we do that.
Even though I feel like I was sucker punched, I am not giving up. I am still taking a break and enjoying normalcy for a few months. I am going for a second opinion in 2 weeks and we will see what the new RE has to say. I am also going to continue Reiki sessions and exercising. Call it being naive or blind faith, but I know with my whole heart that I will be a mom again and I will not let secondary infertility control me or how I feel anymore. I will hold my head up high and live my life because I refuse to waste anymore time.
Until next time......xoxoxoxo
Amanda
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Working through it all
For the past week and a half I have truly felt wonderful. I feel like I have my life back and like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've been busy being myself again and it feels great.
I started to get a bit of anxiety last night about my upcoming appointment on Friday. This appointment is my WTF or follow-up consultation to discuss what went wrong with my IVF cycle. I think there are a few reasons why I am anxious. The first being that I know most WTF appointments are to discuss what to do for the next cycle to improve the chance of success. I am not even ready to talk about this yet. I am on a break and I don't want to be tempted to change my mind. Second, I am scared that since our embryo quality was so poor, they are going to tell me that my egg quality is bad. And lastly, I just don't want to deal with this again. I don't want to think about this anymore.
As great as I feel about the decision to hold off on treatment for a while, I am definitely holding some guilt. What if I am running away from this whole situation? I feel like I am being selfish by taking a break and not doing everything I possibly can medically to bring a child into this world. What kind of mother am I if I am not trying to move mountains for my children on Earth or those not here yet?
On the other hand, how can I be the best mother and wife I can possibly be if I am completely consumed by drugs, appoitments, timing, etc.? What if it just isn't time for another child yet?
On another note, I cannot believe how much support, love and kind words I have received from family. friends and e-friends. I feel so truly blessed. The past year or so has been so hard for us and the love from all of you made every day a little brighter.
Until next time.....xoxoxo
Amanda
I started to get a bit of anxiety last night about my upcoming appointment on Friday. This appointment is my WTF or follow-up consultation to discuss what went wrong with my IVF cycle. I think there are a few reasons why I am anxious. The first being that I know most WTF appointments are to discuss what to do for the next cycle to improve the chance of success. I am not even ready to talk about this yet. I am on a break and I don't want to be tempted to change my mind. Second, I am scared that since our embryo quality was so poor, they are going to tell me that my egg quality is bad. And lastly, I just don't want to deal with this again. I don't want to think about this anymore.
As great as I feel about the decision to hold off on treatment for a while, I am definitely holding some guilt. What if I am running away from this whole situation? I feel like I am being selfish by taking a break and not doing everything I possibly can medically to bring a child into this world. What kind of mother am I if I am not trying to move mountains for my children on Earth or those not here yet?
On the other hand, how can I be the best mother and wife I can possibly be if I am completely consumed by drugs, appoitments, timing, etc.? What if it just isn't time for another child yet?
On another note, I cannot believe how much support, love and kind words I have received from family. friends and e-friends. I feel so truly blessed. The past year or so has been so hard for us and the love from all of you made every day a little brighter.
Until next time.....xoxoxo
Amanda
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Decisions
To be really honest, I've had an amazing past few days. I know it sounds silly since I received really sad news on Monday, but I honestly feel like a huge weight has been lifted. We had no issue at all conceiving Beans and it is just too bizarre that there is nothing medically preventing me or Mr. Lovey Pants from conceiving again, but it just isn't happening. After 7 months of TTC on our own and 14 months of various medications, injections, IUIs and IVFs with no baby as a result, I am beginning to believe that maybe there is something else.
I went for a Reiki session the other night and it was AMAZING. I truly feel like I made a lot of headway and I feel completely at peace with myself for taking this road. I cannot wait to go back next week and make more progress. I want to continue on this path....not just for fertility reasons, but I am opening up myself spiritually in ways that I could never have imagined. I know with every bit of me that I am making a huge, awesome transformation on so many different levels.
Mr. Lovey Pants and I have decided to not seek any medical intervention until at least September. I am so done with injections, trips back and forth to the RE, and putting my life on hold...I just want to live again. I haven't done much of that in about a year. I surrendered to the fact that I am not pregnant and to be honest, I feel so great. I want to continue feeling this way and I know that by getting all of these drugs out of my system, I will feel more and more like me. It feels pretty damn good to be back!
I went for a Reiki session the other night and it was AMAZING. I truly feel like I made a lot of headway and I feel completely at peace with myself for taking this road. I cannot wait to go back next week and make more progress. I want to continue on this path....not just for fertility reasons, but I am opening up myself spiritually in ways that I could never have imagined. I know with every bit of me that I am making a huge, awesome transformation on so many different levels.
Mr. Lovey Pants and I have decided to not seek any medical intervention until at least September. I am so done with injections, trips back and forth to the RE, and putting my life on hold...I just want to live again. I haven't done much of that in about a year. I surrendered to the fact that I am not pregnant and to be honest, I feel so great. I want to continue feeling this way and I know that by getting all of these drugs out of my system, I will feel more and more like me. It feels pretty damn good to be back!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The day after
I obviously wasn't surprised when I got the news yesterday, I had a feeling since before the transfer. When you are in the throws of an IVF cycle, you have no choice but to forge ahead with the cards you are dealt.
When the nurse called me yesterday, she felt terrible. I'm sure she did. I can't imagine making those types of calls is something you want to do. My pregnancy hormone levels were not just at zero, they were in the negative. AWESOME. I am in the pregnancy deficit. She also let me know that none of my embryos made it to freeze, which I knew in my heart, but that was just another blow.
I scheduled my follow up consult (aka...my WTF appt) for next Friday. I am not ready to discuss moving on to another cycle, but I want to know what went wrong. This pre-period spotting needs to be addressed prior to me doing anything else. I don't feel that anyone has taken this spotting seriously. Maybe it is the problem, part of the problem or nothing at all. I want it investigated regardless. My other concern is that I may have an egg quality issue. None of the embryos survived, which is indicitive of an egg quality issue. This would suck because I don't think this can be fixed, but who knows. I guess I will find out more next Friday.
I also scheduled a 2nd opinion at another center in the area. Many women from an online message board I frequent have been successful here. I feel that I owe it to Mr. Lovey Pants and myself to see what another RE has to say. We may decide to be treated there, at my existing center, or nowhere at all. We just need to explore all of our options.
I am also going for a Reiki session tonight. I need to release and clear all of this energetic junk that no longer serves me. I think that this will make a huge difference for me in all aspects of my life, not just baby making issues.
I also scheduled an appointment to see an amazing chiropractor that is an intuitive empath. I have been putting off going to see her for months. I'm not sure why I have been doing this.....probably because I am afraid of what I might find out. This woman is amazing and has helped so many people, so I know that by being in her presence, I will be lucky enough.
This morning I went to the gym for the 1st time in almost 3 weeks. I took a 90 minute spin/yoga combo class. It felt AMAZING. I cleared a lot of junk out and cried a few times. (No one knew and no I didn't make a scene....it was spin and it is dark in there) I felt like I accomplished something huge today and all I did was go to the gym.
I also received a call today from a friend. Long story short...she knows of a young woman that is planning on giving her unborn baby up for adoption and she thought of me. How sweet of her to think of me? Adoption is something Mr. Lovey Pants and I never realy discussed, but both agree is beautiful in so many ways for so many people. For now, my friends is being a complete angel and is finding out some info. At the very least, we get some info and can determine if this is a route we want to take or not. It is amazing how the universe works!!
On another note, I actually feel good. Like so good that I feel guilty I am not more beat up over this good. I think I did most of my grieving over the past few weeks and am just happy to know either way. I feel like I have my life back and now I just want to live it.
Until next time.......xoxoxoxo
Amanda
When the nurse called me yesterday, she felt terrible. I'm sure she did. I can't imagine making those types of calls is something you want to do. My pregnancy hormone levels were not just at zero, they were in the negative. AWESOME. I am in the pregnancy deficit. She also let me know that none of my embryos made it to freeze, which I knew in my heart, but that was just another blow.
I scheduled my follow up consult (aka...my WTF appt) for next Friday. I am not ready to discuss moving on to another cycle, but I want to know what went wrong. This pre-period spotting needs to be addressed prior to me doing anything else. I don't feel that anyone has taken this spotting seriously. Maybe it is the problem, part of the problem or nothing at all. I want it investigated regardless. My other concern is that I may have an egg quality issue. None of the embryos survived, which is indicitive of an egg quality issue. This would suck because I don't think this can be fixed, but who knows. I guess I will find out more next Friday.
I also scheduled a 2nd opinion at another center in the area. Many women from an online message board I frequent have been successful here. I feel that I owe it to Mr. Lovey Pants and myself to see what another RE has to say. We may decide to be treated there, at my existing center, or nowhere at all. We just need to explore all of our options.
I am also going for a Reiki session tonight. I need to release and clear all of this energetic junk that no longer serves me. I think that this will make a huge difference for me in all aspects of my life, not just baby making issues.
I also scheduled an appointment to see an amazing chiropractor that is an intuitive empath. I have been putting off going to see her for months. I'm not sure why I have been doing this.....probably because I am afraid of what I might find out. This woman is amazing and has helped so many people, so I know that by being in her presence, I will be lucky enough.
This morning I went to the gym for the 1st time in almost 3 weeks. I took a 90 minute spin/yoga combo class. It felt AMAZING. I cleared a lot of junk out and cried a few times. (No one knew and no I didn't make a scene....it was spin and it is dark in there) I felt like I accomplished something huge today and all I did was go to the gym.
I also received a call today from a friend. Long story short...she knows of a young woman that is planning on giving her unborn baby up for adoption and she thought of me. How sweet of her to think of me? Adoption is something Mr. Lovey Pants and I never realy discussed, but both agree is beautiful in so many ways for so many people. For now, my friends is being a complete angel and is finding out some info. At the very least, we get some info and can determine if this is a route we want to take or not. It is amazing how the universe works!!
On another note, I actually feel good. Like so good that I feel guilty I am not more beat up over this good. I think I did most of my grieving over the past few weeks and am just happy to know either way. I feel like I have my life back and now I just want to live it.
Until next time.......xoxoxoxo
Amanda
Monday, April 4, 2011
NOT PREGNANT
Just fabulous. I'm not really in the mood to write about it right now, so I'm off to snuggle with Beans and watch Tangled.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Spotting AGAIN
Is this a joke? I knew it was too good to be true. SERIOUSLY! Bright red spotting. Why the disappearing act when you were just messing with me? I was just feeling like this could be it. I had hope....now, not so much.
This spotting has been going on since we started TTC#2 in July 2009. Why is this happening? What is the problem? How do we fix it? I've wasted enough time. I obviously have a problem and ignoring it isn't going to magically make it go away. Blind faith has never worked for me before and I am not counting on it now.
This spotting has been going on since we started TTC#2 in July 2009. Why is this happening? What is the problem? How do we fix it? I've wasted enough time. I obviously have a problem and ignoring it isn't going to magically make it go away. Blind faith has never worked for me before and I am not counting on it now.
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