Working through it all

For the past week and a half I have truly felt wonderful.  I feel like I have my life back and like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I've been busy being myself again and it feels great.

I started to get a bit of anxiety last night about my upcoming appointment on Friday.  This appointment is my WTF or follow-up consultation to discuss what went wrong with my IVF cycle.  I think there are a few reasons why I am anxious.  The first being that I know most WTF appointments are to discuss what to do for the next cycle to improve the chance of success.  I am not even ready to talk about this yet.  I am on a break and I don't want to be tempted to change my mind.  Second, I am scared that since our embryo quality was so poor, they are going to tell me that my egg quality is bad.  And lastly, I just don't want to deal with this again.  I don't want to think about this anymore. 

As great as I feel about the decision to hold off on treatment for a while, I am definitely holding some guilt. What if I am running away from this whole situation?  I feel like I am being selfish by taking a break and not doing everything I possibly can medically to bring a child into this world.  What kind of mother am I if I am not trying to move mountains for my children on Earth or those not here yet? 

On the other hand, how can I be the best mother and wife I can possibly be if I am completely consumed by drugs, appoitments, timing, etc.?  What if it just isn't time for another child yet?
On another note, I cannot believe how much support, love and kind words I have received from family. friends and e-friends.  I feel so truly blessed.  The past year or so has been so hard for us and the love from all of you made every day a little brighter.

Until next time.....xoxoxo
Amanda