As I do with every cycle for the past 24 cycles, I am spotting and I am freaking the F out. I know this is CAN be normal during IVF cycles, but this is my normal every month without getting pregnant, so I am a mess.
I called my nurse last night and this morning and there is NOTHING that can be done. I was at the RE this morning for a progesterone (P4) blood check and they ran an ultrasound anyway. My P4 came back at 18 which is normal and my ultrasound looked fine. I know I should feel relieved, but I don't. I am a wreck.
I definitely appreciate all of the love and support I am getting from my friends and family, but I am getting sick of answering questions. I know people are trying to help or relate when giving advice, but sometimes I just want to scream. While I think it is great that you "know someone who knows someone" that went through IVF, it does not mean that you know what I feel like or should be telling me how to handle this. It is so aggravating. These people should not be telling me what I should do or tell me what worked for their cousin's wife's best friend. I.DON'T.CARE.
I also know in my gut that there is going to be another pregnancy announcement or two coming very soon. These announcements are going to come from people that I truly care about and I don't think I will handle it well. I know that the world does not need to seek my permission, but in the state that I am in, I am irrational. Yup, that is me.....a messed up, jealous, bitter, infertile bitch.
A friend of mine warned me of an acquaintance's pregnancy, which I was so thankful she warned me of. This girl has been struggling in silence with infertility for years, so I am happy for her. How silly is it that I feel happy for her (even though I'm not supposed to know) and I don't think I can handle that news from people that are a bigger part of my life? I know it is messed up, but I can't just flip a switch and be normal again.
And the spotting continues.
Until next time.....xoxoxoxo
Amanda
Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Patiently Waiting
I am praying with all that I have that my Mini Macs are snuggling in for the long haul. It is still way too early to know anything yet and I am doing whatever I can possibly do to ensure that these McNuggets stick around.
I've been in my bed or on the couch since after my retrieval on Monday. My cramping is subsiding a bit, but not the bloat. Since my ovaries produced 26 eggs this months, as opposed to the one they normally do, they are enlarged, therefore the bloat. I know that if implantation happens, when it happens, the cramping could get worse, as well as the bloating. I actually want it to get worse because then I will know that this whole pregnancy may really happen.
I called my nurse yesterday to ask some questions and I found out that my pregnancy test was pushed out one day to April 4, not April 3. I know one day is not a big deal, but to me, it feels like forever.
Having my little nuggets in me, makes me technically pregnant and I am loving every minute of it. I want this feeling to last until December. Please Please Please let this be it for us.
Until next time............xoxoxo
Amanda
I've been in my bed or on the couch since after my retrieval on Monday. My cramping is subsiding a bit, but not the bloat. Since my ovaries produced 26 eggs this months, as opposed to the one they normally do, they are enlarged, therefore the bloat. I know that if implantation happens, when it happens, the cramping could get worse, as well as the bloating. I actually want it to get worse because then I will know that this whole pregnancy may really happen.
I called my nurse yesterday to ask some questions and I found out that my pregnancy test was pushed out one day to April 4, not April 3. I know one day is not a big deal, but to me, it feels like forever.
Having my little nuggets in me, makes me technically pregnant and I am loving every minute of it. I want this feeling to last until December. Please Please Please let this be it for us.
Until next time............xoxoxo
Amanda
Thursday, March 24, 2011
2 babies on board
I had 2 perfect 3 day embryos transferred, a 6 cell and a 7 cell. I am very happy that I have my Mini Macs where they belong. My hopes are definitely lifted and I know all of your thoughts and prayers helped, so thank you a million times over.
My RE was honest and told me that my embryos were sub-optimal for my age (33) and my response, but that the 2 being transferred are perfect. She wasn't supposed to do my transfer, but she was there for it and hugged me and made the whole process wonderful. I have to admit that the whole staff for both retrievals and transfers are just phenomenal and I have no doubt that every last one of them are doing/did all they could for me.
There are 4 more that they are watching to freeze....3 are slow growers and 1 is a 7 cell with 30% fragmentation.
I am in a much better place than I was yesterday, as I thought I was going to have nothing to work with. I have a renewed confidence and am doing my best to nurture my little nuggets so they decide to stick around for the next 9 months. Now I hold my breath until my beta on April 3.
So as of now, I am pregnant, until proven otherwise.
My RE was honest and told me that my embryos were sub-optimal for my age (33) and my response, but that the 2 being transferred are perfect. She wasn't supposed to do my transfer, but she was there for it and hugged me and made the whole process wonderful. I have to admit that the whole staff for both retrievals and transfers are just phenomenal and I have no doubt that every last one of them are doing/did all they could for me.
There are 4 more that they are watching to freeze....3 are slow growers and 1 is a 7 cell with 30% fragmentation.
I am in a much better place than I was yesterday, as I thought I was going to have nothing to work with. I have a renewed confidence and am doing my best to nurture my little nuggets so they decide to stick around for the next 9 months. Now I hold my breath until my beta on April 3.
So as of now, I am pregnant, until proven otherwise.
Wheel in my head keeps on turning
So here I am...awake for most of the night because I can't stop thinking of our poor embies fighting to be strong in the lab. I can't shut off my brain. I know that having a 3 day transfer later today is not bad news, it just isn't the news I was looking for. I know my RE prefers to do 5 day transfers, so it was definitely a huge blow to find out that she would rather me do a 3 day transfer. I was so confident that out of the 23 eggs that fertilized, we were going to have a handful of quality embryos to work with. To be honest, we may have quality embryos, but the change in embryos from fertilization to yesterday's check made the lab and my RE assume that Day 3 was better. I am holding onto every shred of hope that I have left.
Forget about having some left to freeze. I guess it is possible...anything is possible. Freezing was our back up plan and now we may not have one.....that is what scares me most. Mr. Lovey Pants and I decided that we were only going to try IVF once and then we were done. I know I could talk him into doing this again, but I don't think I can handle this again. I know this is the whole cart before the horse thing, but I am a planner....I need a plan.
When Mr. Lovey Pants got home from work last night, he told me that he was so angry when I told him the news, he wanted to rip off the top of his desk and throw it out the window. That is so unlike him to feel that way. He also jumped into research mode and consulted Dr. Google for the first time that I am aware of. He started acting the way I act.....creating a plan in case failure prevails. He said he would like to try Chinese herbs and acupuncture. Really? Now you want to try this. He has been so supportive and has been on board with everything so far, but now that we are approaching our agreed upon D-day, he wants to take the reins and have us go down yet another path. WHAT? I have been steering this journey and wracking my brain for almost 2 years. I've shared every bit of insight and information I have come across and now that the finish line is in sight, he is doing what I normally do...PANIC. He has been truly amazing throughout this whole ordeal and if our marriage weren't as strong as it is, I have no idea how we would make it through all of this. I think the lightbulb finally went off and he gets it, not that he didn't understand before, but now it is staring him down. This baby isn't coming along just because we do the deed and the harsh reality that this baby may never come has hit him. So now he feels extra sucky too...AWESOME :o(
I am so thankful that my parents are so understanding and took Beans overnight. I was just such a disaster yesterday and they were going to be watching her today during our transfer, so they picked her up earlier. She knew something was wrong with me and was crying that she wanted to stay with me. It broke my heart and I was sobbing as soon as she was gone. I wish she was here, so I could sneak into her bed and snuggle with her. Just being with her would make me feel so much better.....it always does.
I feel so guilty to be longing for another child so badly that it consumes my life. Beans is such a blessing and she truly is more than we could ever have asked for. She is so beautiful (I am not just saying this because I am her mom, she really is beautiful), smart (like scary smart for a 3 year old), sassy, super creative, and so much fun to be around. Anyone who knows her, knows how truly special she is. So how can someone ask for more when we are already blessed far beyond what we could have ever imagined? I guess it is just too much to ask and I hate the disappointment I feel because we don't have another. It is just a twisted way to feel.
Within a few hours, I will have my embryos inside of me and I will be pregnant...until proven otherwise. Ha! I need to pull it together and get positive. These embies need their mommy to be strong, so they can snuggle into their new home for the next 9 months. This is our shot and I can't leave anything to chance.
Until next time.......xoxoxo
Amanda
Forget about having some left to freeze. I guess it is possible...anything is possible. Freezing was our back up plan and now we may not have one.....that is what scares me most. Mr. Lovey Pants and I decided that we were only going to try IVF once and then we were done. I know I could talk him into doing this again, but I don't think I can handle this again. I know this is the whole cart before the horse thing, but I am a planner....I need a plan.
When Mr. Lovey Pants got home from work last night, he told me that he was so angry when I told him the news, he wanted to rip off the top of his desk and throw it out the window. That is so unlike him to feel that way. He also jumped into research mode and consulted Dr. Google for the first time that I am aware of. He started acting the way I act.....creating a plan in case failure prevails. He said he would like to try Chinese herbs and acupuncture. Really? Now you want to try this. He has been so supportive and has been on board with everything so far, but now that we are approaching our agreed upon D-day, he wants to take the reins and have us go down yet another path. WHAT? I have been steering this journey and wracking my brain for almost 2 years. I've shared every bit of insight and information I have come across and now that the finish line is in sight, he is doing what I normally do...PANIC. He has been truly amazing throughout this whole ordeal and if our marriage weren't as strong as it is, I have no idea how we would make it through all of this. I think the lightbulb finally went off and he gets it, not that he didn't understand before, but now it is staring him down. This baby isn't coming along just because we do the deed and the harsh reality that this baby may never come has hit him. So now he feels extra sucky too...AWESOME :o(
I am so thankful that my parents are so understanding and took Beans overnight. I was just such a disaster yesterday and they were going to be watching her today during our transfer, so they picked her up earlier. She knew something was wrong with me and was crying that she wanted to stay with me. It broke my heart and I was sobbing as soon as she was gone. I wish she was here, so I could sneak into her bed and snuggle with her. Just being with her would make me feel so much better.....it always does.
I feel so guilty to be longing for another child so badly that it consumes my life. Beans is such a blessing and she truly is more than we could ever have asked for. She is so beautiful (I am not just saying this because I am her mom, she really is beautiful), smart (like scary smart for a 3 year old), sassy, super creative, and so much fun to be around. Anyone who knows her, knows how truly special she is. So how can someone ask for more when we are already blessed far beyond what we could have ever imagined? I guess it is just too much to ask and I hate the disappointment I feel because we don't have another. It is just a twisted way to feel.
Within a few hours, I will have my embryos inside of me and I will be pregnant...until proven otherwise. Ha! I need to pull it together and get positive. These embies need their mommy to be strong, so they can snuggle into their new home for the next 9 months. This is our shot and I can't leave anything to chance.
Until next time.......xoxoxo
Amanda
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
So frustrating
So my RE called to discuss my embryos and the news is so-so.
She said I responded like a 23 year old egg donor and my whole cycle is text book perfect. Great! She also said that 23 out of 26 eggs fertilizing without ICSI was great. The problem is that with that many embryos, not all of them can be high-quality and they need quality not quantity. So even though the lab can't really grade the embryos until Day3, from what they saw of them this morning, they thought I was better off doing a 3 day transfer. I got the whole speech about how some embies don't respond well in a lab and do better is a uterus, but honestly, how do they know that? It is physically impossible to know that to be true.
I know this isn't the worst news, but I still feel like I got kicked in the stomach. I will meet with the RE before to discuss my latest report, but I am not optimistic.
Mr. Lovey Pants is crushed and I hate that. With the odds not in our favor and knowing that this is our one and only shot at IVF, I don't know how I can dig for more strength for me or for him.
How funny that I was so confident, cocky to be exact that I got 26 eggs and 23 fertilized? I said I was a rock star. Fat chance. I'm sure someone is laughing at me somewhere.
She said I responded like a 23 year old egg donor and my whole cycle is text book perfect. Great! She also said that 23 out of 26 eggs fertilizing without ICSI was great. The problem is that with that many embryos, not all of them can be high-quality and they need quality not quantity. So even though the lab can't really grade the embryos until Day3, from what they saw of them this morning, they thought I was better off doing a 3 day transfer. I got the whole speech about how some embies don't respond well in a lab and do better is a uterus, but honestly, how do they know that? It is physically impossible to know that to be true.
I know this isn't the worst news, but I still feel like I got kicked in the stomach. I will meet with the RE before to discuss my latest report, but I am not optimistic.
Mr. Lovey Pants is crushed and I hate that. With the odds not in our favor and knowing that this is our one and only shot at IVF, I don't know how I can dig for more strength for me or for him.
How funny that I was so confident, cocky to be exact that I got 26 eggs and 23 fertilized? I said I was a rock star. Fat chance. I'm sure someone is laughing at me somewhere.
What a joke
So I called my nurse earlier and didn't hear back, so I called again to ask a few questions about our transfer and she said she wasn't ignoring my call, but that the RE was going to call me instead. I asked about what and she said that of my 23 embryos, my fertility report today didn't look good. WTF? The RE wants to speak with me b/c I most likely won't have anything to freeze and she wanted to discuss this with me. I feel so sick. I had 23 fertilized eggs...WTF? If I don't have any to freeze how the f--- are any going to make it to transfer. Now I am just waiting for a phone call. Please send any prayers you have. I am crushed :o(
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