The toll of Secondary Infertility (SIF)

So yesterday we had our IVF class and received our instruction sheet on how to use the meds and when.  Mr. Lovey Pants was with me and he learned how to administer my intramuscular injections and as happy as I am that I don't have to do it, it breaks my heart that he has to be the one to do it.  This isn't his fault, this is my problem and I wish I could fix it without him having to be inconvenienced or hurt in any way.  I can see how hard this is becoming for him...it is starting to take it's toll on him too.  I hate this! 

After the class, we met with the RE and I asked more questions.  I need to know everything about IVF, why this protocol was chosen for me, etc.  I thought that after the class and meeting with the RE again I would feel better about IVF, but I don't.  I am still in denial that it has come to this and I feel like this will never happen for us again.  SIF has definitely beat us down and has truly impacted our quality of life. I am already feeling as though IVF will not work for us and the messed up thing is that I don't know if I really feel that way, or if it is my mind/body's way of protecting me from getting my hopes up.  I truly hope and pray that it works, but if it doesn't, Mr. Lovey Pants and I are leaning toward not pursuing any other treatment. We may change our minds, but right now we can't even imagine living in this hell much longer. Our Beans is just perfect and as much as we'd love for her to have a sibling, she deserves to have her mommy and daddy at their best.

So my oldest and dearest friend went through IF a few years back.  I did my best to try to understand what she was going through and I'm sure I fell short because I couldn't relate first-hand.  I watched her suffer through miscarriage after miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, chemical pregnancies, treatments, various diagnosis, you name it...and it was heartbreaking to watch her go through all this.  During all of this, I got pregnant with Beans and felt so guilty.  I knew how unfair it was to my friend.  After having a procedure to repair a reproductive issue, abandoning further treatment, modifying her diet, and exercising, my friend conceived on her own and had a beautiful baby a little over a year ago.  It was truly amazing to watch her become a mother, after the hell she went through.  Then SIF hit me and she has been an amazing friend and supporter of me throughout this process.  So last night, we were on the phone discussing my appointment from yesterday and BOOM....SURPRISE...she is expecting #2.   Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled for her because she and her husband deserve this.  I was just so taken off guard.  I wasn't expecting to hear that.  I am not going to lie....I was definitely jealous, but I did tell her that because SHE GETS IT.  We have traded places.....pretty ironic, huh?  She knows that I wish her nothing but the best and will be her biggest supporter during this pregnancy.  (If you know me in real life and think you know who I am referring to here....shut your mouth and keep it to yourself....this is not my news to share..thanks)

After taking some time to process, it hit me that this is not going to be the only surprise pregnancy news that I hear.  I definitely handle the news better when it is expected, but I also realize how utterly ridiculous it is to assume that the the whole world isn't going to include me in their conception plans, but it sure would be nice. 

Until next time.....xoxoxo
Amanda

Meds arrived

GULP!  I got my med shipment on Friday and I nearly fell over when I opened the box.  Not only are there lots of different medications to inject, swallow, put up in my lady business, etc., there are needles that are so big that they look like they could inflict some serious pain.  We go for our IVF class on Tuesday, so I will have a better idea of my protocol than I do now.  Right now, I have an overwhelming amount of supplies that I am not sure what to do with. 

I am starting to panic about all of this....I am so nervous.  I really just want to get this show on the road so I can stop analyzing this whole infertility saga.  Now we are just waiting for AF to show up. Tick tock tick tock tick tock

Unti next time ...........xoxoxo

Feeling Overwhelmed

There is really nothing new to report.  Everything is status quo, which is a good thing, I guess.  I am about half-way through this cycle, which is a rest cycle, so our IVF cycle will be here before we know it. 

So this morning, the pharmacy called me about my IVF meds and initially I was excited because things are progressing.  The rep was so sweet and wished me lots of luck with my cycle.  How nice of her!  Sometimes just a little bit of support from even a complete stranger is what keeps my spirits up....it is such a great feeling to know that we have people cheering us on. Once I got off the phone with the rep, I went through the list of medications I will be taking/injecting/sticking up in my lady parts or whatever, and I felt really overwhelmed.  Unfortunately, they didn't include any valium or some sort of sanity pill in this order ;o)  Has it really come to this? This is really going to happen and I guess I am in a bit of denial about it.  Pretty funny that in the back of my head I think, "what if we get pregnant on our own this cycle and I don't need the meds that we just bought"? That would be amazing, but I am being realistic. 

I haven't told many people in real life that we made the decision to move to IVF.  I really just don't feel like listening to how much they can relate because it took them 2 months to conceive or how their next door neighbor stopped all treatment and got pregnant when she stopped trying.  I just don't have the energy to educate the ignorant.  Prior to having to deal with secondary infertility, I was ignorant too.....what I wouldn't give to still be that person.  **sigh**

I am looking forward to this weekend BIG TIME!  My brother and sister-in-law are taking Beans overnight, so Mr. Lovey Pants and I can have a date night.  Beans is so excited to spend the night with her aunt and uncle, but mostly with her baby cousin.  Mommy and Daddy are super excited too!  We are going out to dinner and then meeting up with friends for cocktails.  I am labeling this my "last night out"...hopefully until a little more than 9 months from now.

Until next time....xoxoxo

We made a decision

I went in for my saline sonogram yesterday afternoon and all came back clear, which is good.  I almost wanted there to be a polyp in there, so we had a definite answer to my abnormal bleeding, but I am glad that there was nothing there. With something anatomical being ruled out, my RE believes that my bleeding is strictly hormonal, so hopefully much closer observation through bloodwork and ultrasound during the second half of my cycle will be able identify and fix any hormonal problems prior to them happening, therefore getting the bleeding to stop.

With all of that to take in, we needed to decide whether or not we planned on doing another IUI, which would make it our FIFTH or move onto IVF.  We decided that we are going to make the leap to IVF.  With IVF, the success rates are much higher and we feel that we owe to eachother to give it a try.  I never thought that we would have to go down this road, but here we are and we are both ok with it.  We know that IVF is more invasive than IUI, but again we are ok with that.  Most of our family and friends are very supportive, but some are not and to be honest, we are ok with that too.  We don't need approval or disapproval from anyone other than eachother.  I know that those that aren't supportive are that way because they don't know enough about IVF and our situation or they are scared for us.  They are scared because of how we will deal with the outcome if we don't get pregnant, which is our biggest fear too, but we will cross that bridge if/when we get to it. 

In the meantime, we have an IVF class that we need to take and then we wait until my period shows up.  Once that happens, we get our IVF underway. 

Until next time.....xoxoxoxo

Next Steps

So…….

I never went in for my beta on Wednesday.  I called my nurse and asked her if I could just wait an extra 2 days and come in for the test the same day I was meeting with the RE for my WTF consult.  Fast forward to today.

Well, it is snowing in North NJ today and of course I couldn’t make it in to my appointment.  I called to reschedule and RE’s assistant told me that we could do a conference call.  Thank goodness!  There is no way I could hang in limbo much longer. 

I will give the condensed version of our conversation.  Overall, I have the ovaries of a 23 year old and Mr. Lovey Pants has stellar swimmers, so there is no problem there.  I respond really well to injectables, so well in fact, that she keeps me on a relatively low dosage for fear of multiples and by multiples she meant more than twins....GULP!  Thank goodness, I was never in danger of more than twins.  The problem happens to be my pre-period bleeding, which the Drs refer to as luteal phase spotting.  Let me just tell you….I don’t spot…I get a light period before my period.  I typically start spotting 7-8 days after I ovulate, which is WAY TOO SOON.  All of my pre-IUI tests came back clear and I have no polyps, cysts, fibroids, blocked tubes, endometriosis, etc. and my progesterone is now normal thanks to supplementation.  So pretty much, I am still unexplained. The RE wants me to have another check of my uterine cavity to see if I’ve had any growths appear since my last test, so I am having a saline sonogram early next week.  If I do have something growing in my uterus, I will need to have some sort procedure done to remove whatever is there.  Providing that test comes back all clear, we have 2 choices moving forward. 1.)We can do another IUI with PIO (intramuscular progesterone injections) and progesterone bloodwork and uterine ultrasounds every other day in my luteal phase to try to address any pre-period bleeding before it happens.  She isn’t sure if the PIO is going to help stop the bleeding but wants to give it a try because sometimes people respond better to different progesterone compounds. 2.)We move to IVF with the same luteal phase monitoring and PIO.

This is a whole lot to think about and nothing is a sure thing.  Mr. Lovey Pants and I will need to seriously review our options and discuss what our game plan is.  Of course, our chances of conceiving with IUI are only 15-20% and it hasn’t worked yet, but PIO and luteal phase monitoring could help.  Or, we move to IVF, with our chances of conceiving jumping to 50-60% and include PIO and luteal phase monitoring.  I have no clue what to think, my head is spinning, but I am happy that there are a few other options for us. 

Please feel free to leave comments offering some advice.  Sometimes an objective opinion can add some perspective.  What would you do? 

Until then…..xoxoxo

IUI #4 is a BUST

So much for being so confident this cycle.  Where did that get me?

I called my nurse to schedule bloodwork and I go in Wednesday morning to confirm that I am not pregnant....like I don't already know.  Then I called my RE's assistant (Jaime) and our WTF consult is set for Friday.   Jaime was so unbelievably nice to me and even though I wasn't crying and I didn't ask for any favors, she put me in the first available slot and promised to call me if there was a cancellation.  She promised that they will do whatever they can do to get me pregnant and I believe her.

By the time I got off the phone, I was sobbing and Beans started crying.  I try so hard not to cry in front of her and I don't do it often, but today I couldn't help it.  Like the amazing little girl she is, she climbed onto my lap, squeezed me, and told me that everything was going to be ok.  She then asked if we could go upstairs to Mommy's bed to snugs and we did just that. I snuggled her until she fell asleep and then I did the same.  

Until next time....xoxoxo

Headgames

I am really at the end of my rope with all of this infertility BS.  I started spotting on NYE which is only 8 dpiui (days post IUI) and it has been getting heavier, then disappearing, then reappearing, etc.  Why mess with my head?  If AF (a friend/period) is going to show up...just show up.....STOP SCREWING WITH ME!  Every time I go to the bathroom, I am scared.  I am seriously holding it in because I just can't face what I know is coming.  This is the same shit that happens EVERY MONTH. The crinone gel clearly did not stop the spotting and I am at a loss.  This scenario is all too familiar.  My optimism is running out and my patience is at an all time low.  I know its not over til its over but after 19 cycles of TTC I know whats up. 

If I got pregnant this cycle, my due date would be Mr. Lovey Pants' 40th birthday.  What an amazing gift that would be for him.  He wants this so bad and I know that he doesn't BLAME me, but it still makes me feel bad.  I know this is getting to him and he isn't vocal about it like me, so he keeps it all in and I can see it in his eyes.  I see the disappointment in his face and it just kills me.  How can I fix this?  I wish I knew how. 

Trying to hold onto any hope that I may have left, bt it is pretty tough.

Until next time....xoxoxo