Playing Honest

Back in my crazy college days, my roomies and I would play "Honest". It was a game we made up, while we were intoxicated I am sure, and we would tell eachother anything and no matter what we couldn't get mad at one another.  Over the past few months, 2 of my BFFs became pregnant and HONEST, I was/am thrilled for them....like genuinely, truly excited.  I am not good at being fake, so they know that I am being HONEST.  Well on Wednesday, one of them had her baby, a beautiful, precious little princess and I was scared.  As thrilled as I was for her and her family, I was petrified at the notion that what if when I went to visit my friend and her baby, I wasn't happy...what if I was angry or jealous.  I told Mr. Lovey Pants how I was feeling and he assured me that this wasn't going to be the case, but I was still nervous.  So yesterday was the big day and I was almost shaking on the ride down to the hospital fearing the worst.  As I got closer, I realized that I was getting giddy....I was so excited to meet this little angel.  By the time I got to the hospital, I could barely contain my excitement.....I just wanted to see my friend and the newest addition to her family and wish them the best.  Of course I get into the room and my friend is all dolled up with her make-up on looking fabulous and her little peanut is snuggling ever so peacefully with her grandpa.  I could barely contain myself as I just wanted to smooch this baby and welcome her to the world, but I waited patiently until it was my turn.  Then, the moment arrived and I got to hold this little blessing and I just melted.  I fell in love with her and my heart just filled with so much love and joy for my friend and her family.  I am so happy that my biggest fear wasn't realized.  It was wonderful....HONEST!!!

Until next time xoxoxo

Post Christmas Waiting

I had such a wonderful time celebrating Christmas with family and friends.  We kicked off Christmas Eve with a small gathering of my parents, mother-in-law, my sister, and some friends.  Growing up, Christmas Eve was never a big deal, but once Mr. Lovey Pants and I got married, we decided it was a tradition we wanted to start as a way to spend some part of Christmas with his mom and my parents.  I'm so happy that it now something we truly look forward to...plus it extends the holiday by a day for us.  Beans woke up Christmas morning so excited to see what Santa left for her.  This is the first year she GETS IT and was over the moon opening all of her gifts.  Later Christmas afternoon, we headed to my Aunt's house for Christmas with my family.  It was such a wonderful day.  My entire family was there and it is so rare for us to all be together, so it was very special.  There will come a time where we all won't be able to get together anymore, so I savored every second.  My super sweet Beans had so much fun seeing everyone and she made it a point to give everyone a hug and a kiss goodbye when we were leaving.  We didn't even have to tell her...she did it all on her own...she is such a loving little angel.  I had such a fabulous holiday.  Mr. Lovey Pants did a great job in the gift department, as he always does.  Out of all of the wonderful gifts I received, my favorite is a little angel ornament that he gave me that says "Answered Prayer" on it.  How sweet and thoughtful? 

The day after Christmas, it was back to reality, as I had to make the early morning trek to the RE's office for my 4dpiui (4 days post IUI) progesterone check.  My level came back at 31.3, which is good, but they put me on preventative progesterone like they always do.  They did switch up my progesterone this time around to Crinone, which I am really happy about.  I've heard of so many women that had success in getting their spotting under control and maintaining pregnancy on this, so I hope this does the trick for me. 

Now that the holidays are winding down, I am starting to get a bit antsy in this 2 week wait until my beta (blood pregnancy test), which is scheduled for January 6.  I am happy to report that not once did I feel sad or let any of this SIF BS get to me at all during all of the celebrating. 

Hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas as well.  Until next time....xoxoxo

IUI #4

So IUI #4 was today and it went really well.  This was the first time, I really didn’t feel a thing, so I was pleasantly surprised.  Mr. Lovey Pants had a great swimmer count, so all is looking good.  I have to go back for a progesterone check on Sunday morning.  Yup, the day after Christmas, but whatever I have to do, I will do.  My dr gave me a different progesterone supplement this time, she gave me crinone gel, so I REALLY hope this does the trick in getting my spotting under control, getting me pregnant, and keeping me pregnant.  Now I am in the 2 week wait.  Tick tock tick tock tick tock.  My beta (blood pregnancy test) is set for Thursday, January 6^th.  I know it is only 2 weeks, but it seems like it is forever away.

Although I am very confident in this cycle, I am scared out of my mind.  What if it doesn’t work?  Then what? I know that we aren’t there yet, but I need to have a game plan and this is the first time we really don’t have one.  So in the meantime, I am trying to be upbeat and positive, but it is really hard.  Fake it until you make it.  If you know me in real life, you know I AM NOT GOOD AT BEING FAKE.  I will just keep thinking positive thoughts and pray, hope, beg and plead for the best.

So Christmas is upon us and I have so much to be thankful for.  Beans is over the moon about Santa coming.  I’ve never really been into the whole Christmas thing, but Beans is changing that for me.  Mr. Lovey Pants and I are so excited to watch her open her gifts and relish in her excitement.  I am pretty sure a few days of family, friends, food and gifts is exactly what the dr. ordered. 

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!  Until next time……xoxoxoxo

Just Triggered

I just took what I hope will be my last injection ever....my ovidrel shot (referred to as the trigger shot because this triggers ovulation) for my IUI, which is scheduled for Thursday morning.  I have 1, possibly 2 follicles that are ready.  One measured in at 22 and the other at 16, so they should be measuring at about a 24 and an 18 on Thursday.  I have a lot of confidence in this cycle, more than I've had with any cycle, so this HAS TO BE IT!

9 years ago today, I started dating Mr. Lovey Pants.  We worked together and didn't like eachother much and never in a million years did I ever think we would end up together, but here we are.  So today is special not just beause of the lunar eclipse, not just because of the winter solstice, but mainly because 9 years ago today marks the beginning of me and Mr. Lovey Pants....AWWWW!




 

Trucking Along

So I went in for monitoring yesterday morning, this morning, and need to go in again tomorrow morning.  My dr. was doing monitoring this weekend and she seemed happy with my progress.  I have one big follicle and a bunch of small ones.  The way it is looking right now, I think I will be triggering tomorrow night and going for the IUI on Wednesday morning, but that can all change....anyone going through any type of infertility treatment knows you never can tell. 

I have to say that I am feeling VERY confident this cycle.  I haven't felt this confident during my 3 previous IUIs, so I would think that is a good thing.  (3 IUIs...I can't believe I've done that many already) I also am very happy that my dr. is the dr. I've seen this entire cycle so far, so taking to her and chatting about my protocol throughout is comforting.  Pretty ironic, but she also struggled with secondary infertility, so I know she relates all too well with how I am feeling.

I also have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow.  I love the 1/2 hour of peace and calm I have, even though I pay for it and I have needles stuck everywhere LOL

Until next time....xoxoxo

Progressing Nicely

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to read this.  So many of you have reached out and offered your support and I cannot even begin to explain how much that means. 

I know that my posts may seem a bit down sometimes, but this is not to cause concern to anyone I know in real life.  I PROMISE that I am ok.  I’m a tough cookie and am proud of the way I bounce back from setbacks and move on.  I needed a place to vent and by sharing this I hope to help someone who may be going through something similar.  I also want this to give others an understanding of what secondary infertility is and that just because someone gets pregnant and has a baby easily once, doesn’t mean that it is going to be easy the second time around.  This is a huge learning process for me too and unfortunately, I know more than I ever wanted to about this subject.  Knowledge is power, right? 

I went back to the dr this morning for more morning monitoring, which consisted of bloodwork and vagi-cam.  I am responding well to the medication I am using, follistim.  My lining is already measuring at a 6 and I have one follicle in my left ovary measuring at a 12.  So as of right now, everything is progressing as should be and I go back for another monitoring appointment on Saturday.  The lab is closed the week between Christmas and New Year’s, so most IVF patients aren’t in the office for monitoring until after the 1^st of the year, which is awesome for me because I am in and out in about 20 minutes. 

I am feeling confident about this cycle and will update again after my next monitoring appointment on Saturday. 

Until then……..xoxoxo

I couldn't make this stuff up

I don’t even know how to write this entry because it sounds so absolutely ridiculous, so here goes. 

I went for my bloodwork/ultrasound appointment this morning like planned, also known as Day 3 monitoring b/c it is day 3 of my cycle (CD3). I had my blood drawn and was taken back to the exam room for my ultrasound or what I like to call my vagi-cam exam.  Nothing like a vagi-cam to start your day…..kidding.  Anyhow, my dr was the one doing monitoring this morning (the drs in the practice rotate morning monitoring) so I told her about my positive test this weekend.  Any gal that is trying to get pregnant knows that a positive is a positive no matter how dark or light the line is and mine was visible…not dark, but definitely noticeable.  So she started the vagi-cam and noted my lining was measuring as it should on CD3.  She also took a look at my ovaries and there were no residual cysts. The cysts are leftover follicle/s where the egg/s release from within the ovary.  These follicles fill with progesterone (at this point, the follicle is known as the corpus luteum) to support pregnancy until the placenta takes over.  If a pregnancy does not result, the follicle stops producing progesterone and goes away.  Now this is a first for me.  I always have to take a month off between cycles because of these cysts.  The dr said she couldn’t confirm a chemical pregnancy without having the results of the blood test, but she found it very unlikely because there were no cysts.  She said that if there was an actual chemical pregnancy, she would still see the corpus luteum.  She made it clear to me that she believes that Mr. Lovey Pants and I saw a positive on the test, but she recommends to never POAS (pee on a stick) until AFTER a blood pregnancy test confirms an actual pregnancy.  At this point, she told me that as long as the blood test shows no pregnancy level, I can start a new IUI cycle tonight.  

Fast forward a few hours and my nurse called to tell me the blood test came back negative, so if I wanted to start IUI #4 tonight I can.  I am fortunate to have enough leftover meds from last cycle that I don’t need to buy any more, so that is a bonus.  Mr. Lovey Pants and I were so surprised at this news that we could start a cycle without taking a month off that we figured we should go for it.  Tis the season, right?

Later this afternoon, I had my first acupuncture appointment and I thought it was great.  The acupuncturist was a doll.  She was so nice and made me feel so comfortable.  Her office is so serene and the treatment was so relaxing that I can’t wait to do it again.  I obviously don’t know if the treatments will help to get me pregnant or not, but if they relax me and bring me some moments of peace and tranquility, then I say it works in some capacity.  I go in for another appointment next week and I am really looking forward to it. 

In a few minutes we start injections for this cycle and I am more confident than ever that this is the cycle.  I am writing this as my way of putting this out there to the universe….this IS the cycle!!! ASK, BELIEVE, RECEIVE

Enough Already

So yesterday I felt like crap physically.  My monthly visitor was here and she was brutal.  I did my best to trudge through the day and enjoying Christmas activities with Beans and Mr. Lovey Pants (yes that is what I decided to call my hubby on here), which I did thoroughly enjoy.  BUT, I had a feeling that something was off.  My cramps were bad.  I always get them, but this month they were tough.  I kind of felt like when I had my 2 chemical pregnancies.  Hmmmm.  So late last night, I took a test and wouldn't you know it was a BFP!  Seriously WTF?  Is this a joke?  There is absolutely no way in the world that this is sticking because of what's been coming out, so I am being tortured YET AGAIN.  I know that at this early stage in the game, there is nothing that can be done, so there is no point in even calling my RE.  I have an appointment first thing in the morning for bloodwork and ultrasound, so it will be confirmed then.  This totally sucks donkey balls.  I am so upset.  Why the torture?  I already swallowed the bitter pill of this being a cycle where I didn't get pregnant, but I had to trust my gut and the test confirmed what I already knew. 

Now, my fear that this may really never happen without taking it to the next level is staring me down and I am scared.  I am scared of what my RE is going to tell us at my WTF appointment, which I am scheduling tomorrow.  3 chemical pregnancies in 8 months is not good.  I am scared that IVF is our only option left.  Not that IVF is bad, but never in a million years, especially since Bean was conceived without any difficulty, did I ever think that this would be something I would have to know.  My other fear is that we won't be able to afford it.  We do have infertility insurance coverage, but it doesn't cover everything.  I know I am jumping the gun a bit on this, but do you know when you just know something in your gut?  I know A LOT of things in my gut and I am usually right.

This is so unfair.  It is unfair to Mr. Lovey Pants and it is unfair to Beans.  Mr. Lovey Pants has no issues with fertility, I DO.  This isn't his fault, IT'S MINE.  He never blames me or makes me feel like I am broken, but he doesn't have to.  I feel that way all on my own.  And Beans, she deserves a sibling.  She pretends her dolls are her baby brothers and sisters and it breaks my heart that I haven't been able to give her one yet.  She deserves this and so does Mr. Lovey Pants and SO DO I.

Onto Cycle 19

It's official.  My monthly friend decided to make an appearance today, which means IUI #3 is a bust.  Not only did she just show up, she's made her appearance very hard to ignore.  I mean really.....I know you're here, so do you really need to lay on the pain?  That's just wrong!

Anyway, I called RE's office this morning and spoke to the nurse on call, she happened to be my nurse, so I was happy.  She scheduled me for bloodwork and ultrasound on Monday and we will take it from there. If I can do another IUI this cycle, I will, but I usually have residual cysts and am forced to sit out a month. She also mentioned that I need to schedule a WTF appointment (she called it a follow-up consultation) with my Dr to revise my plan because I've had 3 failed IUIs and 2 early miscarriages since April.  I call on Monday to schedule my WTF. 

I also decided I am going to give acupuncture a try, so my first appointment is Monday afternoon.  I figure it's worth a shot.

In happier news, hubby and I took Beans to see Santa today and boy did she love him.  Just watching her light up with excitement melted my heart.  She is so excited for Christmas which makes it pretty hard to wallow in self-pity ;o)

After our visit with Santa, we went to Fudrucker's for lunch.  I went there once many years ago, but I know hubby loves it, so I made the suggestion.  IT WAS GROSS!  We would have been much better off going to a drive-thru.   I am by no stretch a healthy eater, but this place is disgusting. I won't be going there again. 

I'll be laying low on the homefront for the rest of the weekend and then starting Monday there is no laying low because Christmas will be right around the corner, so there will be lots to do.

Welcome to Crazytown!

I cannot believe that after 18 cycles of TTC #2, I still have nothing to show for it.  How is it that I have unexplained secondary infertility?  Someone please explain what unexplained secondary infertility is and how am I supposed to treat it if no one knows what is causing it.  I DON’T GET IT! 

I want to go back to my blissful ignorance of baby making.  I don’t understand how with Bean we just had sex and then had a baby.  That just seems so foreign and far away to me now.  Is that really how it works?  Silly me….I thought you injected yourself with drugs and conceived on an exam table in front of a live audience.

I am sobbing….like full blown sobbing and throwing tantrums like a child.  I am mourning the loss of something I only HOPED, PRAYED, DREAMED, AND BEGGED for….something I still don’t have.  I go for my beta (pregnancy blood test) for result of IUI #3 on Monday, but I am spotting A LOT and I know it is a bust.

I feel so stupid for even thinking this would happen to me this month.  I knew it wasn’t happening…. then I would see a commercial, hear a song, have a thought and I would think that it was a sign that this month was THE MONTH.  I am officially CRAZYTOWN.  I don’t like rides and I really just want to get off this rollercoaster, but not without an extra passenger.  I feel myself getting a little more bitter which each cycle that passes and I hate feeling that way. 

It isn’t that I am not truly blessed with what I have…..my hubby rocks and my daughter is the best…..I just know, with all the faith in the universe, that our family is not complete.  I.JUST.KNOW.IT!

I am really in disbelief that we have come so far down this road.  We are going to call our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) on Monday to schedule a WTF (what the f**k) appointment and talk about next steps.  For real….where do we go from here? 

WELCOME TO CRAZYTOWN!