So yesterday we had our IVF class and received our instruction sheet on how to use the meds and when. Mr. Lovey Pants was with me and he learned how to administer my intramuscular injections and as happy as I am that I don't have to do it, it breaks my heart that he has to be the one to do it. This isn't his fault, this is my problem and I wish I could fix it without him having to be inconvenienced or hurt in any way. I can see how hard this is becoming for him...it is starting to take it's toll on him too. I hate this!
After the class, we met with the RE and I asked more questions. I need to know everything about IVF, why this protocol was chosen for me, etc. I thought that after the class and meeting with the RE again I would feel better about IVF, but I don't. I am still in denial that it has come to this and I feel like this will never happen for us again. SIF has definitely beat us down and has truly impacted our quality of life. I am already feeling as though IVF will not work for us and the messed up thing is that I don't know if I really feel that way, or if it is my mind/body's way of protecting me from getting my hopes up. I truly hope and pray that it works, but if it doesn't, Mr. Lovey Pants and I are leaning toward not pursuing any other treatment. We may change our minds, but right now we can't even imagine living in this hell much longer. Our Beans is just perfect and as much as we'd love for her to have a sibling, she deserves to have her mommy and daddy at their best.
So my oldest and dearest friend went through IF a few years back. I did my best to try to understand what she was going through and I'm sure I fell short because I couldn't relate first-hand. I watched her suffer through miscarriage after miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, chemical pregnancies, treatments, various diagnosis, you name it...and it was heartbreaking to watch her go through all this. During all of this, I got pregnant with Beans and felt so guilty. I knew how unfair it was to my friend. After having a procedure to repair a reproductive issue, abandoning further treatment, modifying her diet, and exercising, my friend conceived on her own and had a beautiful baby a little over a year ago. It was truly amazing to watch her become a mother, after the hell she went through. Then SIF hit me and she has been an amazing friend and supporter of me throughout this process. So last night, we were on the phone discussing my appointment from yesterday and BOOM....SURPRISE...she is expecting #2. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled for her because she and her husband deserve this. I was just so taken off guard. I wasn't expecting to hear that. I am not going to lie....I was definitely jealous, but I did tell her that because SHE GETS IT. We have traded places.....pretty ironic, huh? She knows that I wish her nothing but the best and will be her biggest supporter during this pregnancy. (If you know me in real life and think you know who I am referring to here....shut your mouth and keep it to yourself....this is not my news to share..thanks)
After taking some time to process, it hit me that this is not going to be the only surprise pregnancy news that I hear. I definitely handle the news better when it is expected, but I also realize how utterly ridiculous it is to assume that the the whole world isn't going to include me in their conception plans, but it sure would be nice.
Until next time.....xoxoxo
Amanda
No comments:
Post a Comment