Not only did I love the new RE, but I walked out with a diagnosis.
Dr. Drews was so thorough, clearly communicated his thoughts and never once did he discredit my previous clinic. I was there for 2 1/2 hours and he covered everything. Based upon my previous response in IVF, he wanted to check me for PCOS. Even though I don't have any telltale PCOS signs, he wanted to to test me for insulin resistance and PCOS. He did a ridiculously thorough ultrasound and immediately saw 20 small cysts on my right ovary in the textbook PCOS pattern. I had 11 on my left and it looked similar. I had 31 smal cysts on my ovaries...not residual from IVF cysts.....classic, look like a pearl necklace in my ovaries PCOS cysts. WTF? HOW WAS THIS NOT SEEN AT MY PREVIOUS CLINIC? So there it is...I have PCOS.
I go for my insulin blood test on Monday. I will get the results back from that next week. I carry my extra baggage in my middle...a risk factor for type 2 diabetes. Since type 2 diabetes runs in my family, I am pretty sure I have this as well, as is Dr. Drews.
I have my RX for Metformin and will be on this until I get pregnant or cycle again, whichever comes first. I also have to be on a low-carb, low-sugar diet, most likely forever. The longer you are on Metaformin, the better quality cycle.
He also discovered the source of my spotting. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? My cervix is positioned a bit funny and is damaged from child birth. We actually saw this on the ultrasound screen. This has no negative impact on me getting pregnant.
So that is is....I start Metformin next week and will be on it until middle Septmeber/October time frame. Provided PCOS and insulin resistence are my ONLY egg quality issues, there is a good chance I can get pregnant on my own!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!
I am beyond happy to have an idea of what is going on and why we are having such a hard time. On the other hand, I am so angry at my old clinic. How did they miss this? How did I miss this? Whatever....I am focused on the now and now is awesome. I am still holding my head high and am enjoying my life. I vow to live this way now until the day I die. This journey of 2IF may suck, but I am blessed beyond beief in every other area of my life.
Until next time.........xoxoxo
Amanda
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Aftermath
So I had my WTF appointment on Friday and sure enough I didn't get good news. All of my embryos have a high percentage of fragmentation, which leads my RE to believe this is an egg quality issue. She was very nice and explained everything thoroughly, but I was still crushed. I knew this was coming, so I was as prepared as one could be to hear that your egg quality sucks.
My RE did not pressure me into another cycle and recommended I take the spring and summer to live my life. She made recommendations for an antagonist protocol next time, but she doesn't want to see me back until August/September. She said she truly believes that I have some good eggs left and that she is determined to find them. She also addressed my spotting and apologized for not effectively communicating why it isn't a concern of theirs. She said that they have run every test they possibly could and there is nothing that leads them to believe that this bleeding is a result of a progesterone deficiency or an abnormality within the uterus. She said that I just have an extremely sensitive cervix that is irritated easily, but nothing to worry about. We told her that although we know she is a wonderful RE, we needed to seek another opinion for our own peace of mind and she recommended we do that.
Even though I feel like I was sucker punched, I am not giving up. I am still taking a break and enjoying normalcy for a few months. I am going for a second opinion in 2 weeks and we will see what the new RE has to say. I am also going to continue Reiki sessions and exercising. Call it being naive or blind faith, but I know with my whole heart that I will be a mom again and I will not let secondary infertility control me or how I feel anymore. I will hold my head up high and live my life because I refuse to waste anymore time.
Until next time......xoxoxoxo
Amanda
My RE did not pressure me into another cycle and recommended I take the spring and summer to live my life. She made recommendations for an antagonist protocol next time, but she doesn't want to see me back until August/September. She said she truly believes that I have some good eggs left and that she is determined to find them. She also addressed my spotting and apologized for not effectively communicating why it isn't a concern of theirs. She said that they have run every test they possibly could and there is nothing that leads them to believe that this bleeding is a result of a progesterone deficiency or an abnormality within the uterus. She said that I just have an extremely sensitive cervix that is irritated easily, but nothing to worry about. We told her that although we know she is a wonderful RE, we needed to seek another opinion for our own peace of mind and she recommended we do that.
Even though I feel like I was sucker punched, I am not giving up. I am still taking a break and enjoying normalcy for a few months. I am going for a second opinion in 2 weeks and we will see what the new RE has to say. I am also going to continue Reiki sessions and exercising. Call it being naive or blind faith, but I know with my whole heart that I will be a mom again and I will not let secondary infertility control me or how I feel anymore. I will hold my head up high and live my life because I refuse to waste anymore time.
Until next time......xoxoxoxo
Amanda
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Working through it all
For the past week and a half I have truly felt wonderful. I feel like I have my life back and like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've been busy being myself again and it feels great.
I started to get a bit of anxiety last night about my upcoming appointment on Friday. This appointment is my WTF or follow-up consultation to discuss what went wrong with my IVF cycle. I think there are a few reasons why I am anxious. The first being that I know most WTF appointments are to discuss what to do for the next cycle to improve the chance of success. I am not even ready to talk about this yet. I am on a break and I don't want to be tempted to change my mind. Second, I am scared that since our embryo quality was so poor, they are going to tell me that my egg quality is bad. And lastly, I just don't want to deal with this again. I don't want to think about this anymore.
As great as I feel about the decision to hold off on treatment for a while, I am definitely holding some guilt. What if I am running away from this whole situation? I feel like I am being selfish by taking a break and not doing everything I possibly can medically to bring a child into this world. What kind of mother am I if I am not trying to move mountains for my children on Earth or those not here yet?
On the other hand, how can I be the best mother and wife I can possibly be if I am completely consumed by drugs, appoitments, timing, etc.? What if it just isn't time for another child yet?
On another note, I cannot believe how much support, love and kind words I have received from family. friends and e-friends. I feel so truly blessed. The past year or so has been so hard for us and the love from all of you made every day a little brighter.
Until next time.....xoxoxo
Amanda
I started to get a bit of anxiety last night about my upcoming appointment on Friday. This appointment is my WTF or follow-up consultation to discuss what went wrong with my IVF cycle. I think there are a few reasons why I am anxious. The first being that I know most WTF appointments are to discuss what to do for the next cycle to improve the chance of success. I am not even ready to talk about this yet. I am on a break and I don't want to be tempted to change my mind. Second, I am scared that since our embryo quality was so poor, they are going to tell me that my egg quality is bad. And lastly, I just don't want to deal with this again. I don't want to think about this anymore.
As great as I feel about the decision to hold off on treatment for a while, I am definitely holding some guilt. What if I am running away from this whole situation? I feel like I am being selfish by taking a break and not doing everything I possibly can medically to bring a child into this world. What kind of mother am I if I am not trying to move mountains for my children on Earth or those not here yet?
On the other hand, how can I be the best mother and wife I can possibly be if I am completely consumed by drugs, appoitments, timing, etc.? What if it just isn't time for another child yet?
On another note, I cannot believe how much support, love and kind words I have received from family. friends and e-friends. I feel so truly blessed. The past year or so has been so hard for us and the love from all of you made every day a little brighter.
Until next time.....xoxoxo
Amanda
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Decisions
To be really honest, I've had an amazing past few days. I know it sounds silly since I received really sad news on Monday, but I honestly feel like a huge weight has been lifted. We had no issue at all conceiving Beans and it is just too bizarre that there is nothing medically preventing me or Mr. Lovey Pants from conceiving again, but it just isn't happening. After 7 months of TTC on our own and 14 months of various medications, injections, IUIs and IVFs with no baby as a result, I am beginning to believe that maybe there is something else.
I went for a Reiki session the other night and it was AMAZING. I truly feel like I made a lot of headway and I feel completely at peace with myself for taking this road. I cannot wait to go back next week and make more progress. I want to continue on this path....not just for fertility reasons, but I am opening up myself spiritually in ways that I could never have imagined. I know with every bit of me that I am making a huge, awesome transformation on so many different levels.
Mr. Lovey Pants and I have decided to not seek any medical intervention until at least September. I am so done with injections, trips back and forth to the RE, and putting my life on hold...I just want to live again. I haven't done much of that in about a year. I surrendered to the fact that I am not pregnant and to be honest, I feel so great. I want to continue feeling this way and I know that by getting all of these drugs out of my system, I will feel more and more like me. It feels pretty damn good to be back!
I went for a Reiki session the other night and it was AMAZING. I truly feel like I made a lot of headway and I feel completely at peace with myself for taking this road. I cannot wait to go back next week and make more progress. I want to continue on this path....not just for fertility reasons, but I am opening up myself spiritually in ways that I could never have imagined. I know with every bit of me that I am making a huge, awesome transformation on so many different levels.
Mr. Lovey Pants and I have decided to not seek any medical intervention until at least September. I am so done with injections, trips back and forth to the RE, and putting my life on hold...I just want to live again. I haven't done much of that in about a year. I surrendered to the fact that I am not pregnant and to be honest, I feel so great. I want to continue feeling this way and I know that by getting all of these drugs out of my system, I will feel more and more like me. It feels pretty damn good to be back!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The day after
I obviously wasn't surprised when I got the news yesterday, I had a feeling since before the transfer. When you are in the throws of an IVF cycle, you have no choice but to forge ahead with the cards you are dealt.
When the nurse called me yesterday, she felt terrible. I'm sure she did. I can't imagine making those types of calls is something you want to do. My pregnancy hormone levels were not just at zero, they were in the negative. AWESOME. I am in the pregnancy deficit. She also let me know that none of my embryos made it to freeze, which I knew in my heart, but that was just another blow.
I scheduled my follow up consult (aka...my WTF appt) for next Friday. I am not ready to discuss moving on to another cycle, but I want to know what went wrong. This pre-period spotting needs to be addressed prior to me doing anything else. I don't feel that anyone has taken this spotting seriously. Maybe it is the problem, part of the problem or nothing at all. I want it investigated regardless. My other concern is that I may have an egg quality issue. None of the embryos survived, which is indicitive of an egg quality issue. This would suck because I don't think this can be fixed, but who knows. I guess I will find out more next Friday.
I also scheduled a 2nd opinion at another center in the area. Many women from an online message board I frequent have been successful here. I feel that I owe it to Mr. Lovey Pants and myself to see what another RE has to say. We may decide to be treated there, at my existing center, or nowhere at all. We just need to explore all of our options.
I am also going for a Reiki session tonight. I need to release and clear all of this energetic junk that no longer serves me. I think that this will make a huge difference for me in all aspects of my life, not just baby making issues.
I also scheduled an appointment to see an amazing chiropractor that is an intuitive empath. I have been putting off going to see her for months. I'm not sure why I have been doing this.....probably because I am afraid of what I might find out. This woman is amazing and has helped so many people, so I know that by being in her presence, I will be lucky enough.
This morning I went to the gym for the 1st time in almost 3 weeks. I took a 90 minute spin/yoga combo class. It felt AMAZING. I cleared a lot of junk out and cried a few times. (No one knew and no I didn't make a scene....it was spin and it is dark in there) I felt like I accomplished something huge today and all I did was go to the gym.
I also received a call today from a friend. Long story short...she knows of a young woman that is planning on giving her unborn baby up for adoption and she thought of me. How sweet of her to think of me? Adoption is something Mr. Lovey Pants and I never realy discussed, but both agree is beautiful in so many ways for so many people. For now, my friends is being a complete angel and is finding out some info. At the very least, we get some info and can determine if this is a route we want to take or not. It is amazing how the universe works!!
On another note, I actually feel good. Like so good that I feel guilty I am not more beat up over this good. I think I did most of my grieving over the past few weeks and am just happy to know either way. I feel like I have my life back and now I just want to live it.
Until next time.......xoxoxoxo
Amanda
When the nurse called me yesterday, she felt terrible. I'm sure she did. I can't imagine making those types of calls is something you want to do. My pregnancy hormone levels were not just at zero, they were in the negative. AWESOME. I am in the pregnancy deficit. She also let me know that none of my embryos made it to freeze, which I knew in my heart, but that was just another blow.
I scheduled my follow up consult (aka...my WTF appt) for next Friday. I am not ready to discuss moving on to another cycle, but I want to know what went wrong. This pre-period spotting needs to be addressed prior to me doing anything else. I don't feel that anyone has taken this spotting seriously. Maybe it is the problem, part of the problem or nothing at all. I want it investigated regardless. My other concern is that I may have an egg quality issue. None of the embryos survived, which is indicitive of an egg quality issue. This would suck because I don't think this can be fixed, but who knows. I guess I will find out more next Friday.
I also scheduled a 2nd opinion at another center in the area. Many women from an online message board I frequent have been successful here. I feel that I owe it to Mr. Lovey Pants and myself to see what another RE has to say. We may decide to be treated there, at my existing center, or nowhere at all. We just need to explore all of our options.
I am also going for a Reiki session tonight. I need to release and clear all of this energetic junk that no longer serves me. I think that this will make a huge difference for me in all aspects of my life, not just baby making issues.
I also scheduled an appointment to see an amazing chiropractor that is an intuitive empath. I have been putting off going to see her for months. I'm not sure why I have been doing this.....probably because I am afraid of what I might find out. This woman is amazing and has helped so many people, so I know that by being in her presence, I will be lucky enough.
This morning I went to the gym for the 1st time in almost 3 weeks. I took a 90 minute spin/yoga combo class. It felt AMAZING. I cleared a lot of junk out and cried a few times. (No one knew and no I didn't make a scene....it was spin and it is dark in there) I felt like I accomplished something huge today and all I did was go to the gym.
I also received a call today from a friend. Long story short...she knows of a young woman that is planning on giving her unborn baby up for adoption and she thought of me. How sweet of her to think of me? Adoption is something Mr. Lovey Pants and I never realy discussed, but both agree is beautiful in so many ways for so many people. For now, my friends is being a complete angel and is finding out some info. At the very least, we get some info and can determine if this is a route we want to take or not. It is amazing how the universe works!!
On another note, I actually feel good. Like so good that I feel guilty I am not more beat up over this good. I think I did most of my grieving over the past few weeks and am just happy to know either way. I feel like I have my life back and now I just want to live it.
Until next time.......xoxoxoxo
Amanda
Monday, April 4, 2011
NOT PREGNANT
Just fabulous. I'm not really in the mood to write about it right now, so I'm off to snuggle with Beans and watch Tangled.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Spotting AGAIN
Is this a joke? I knew it was too good to be true. SERIOUSLY! Bright red spotting. Why the disappearing act when you were just messing with me? I was just feeling like this could be it. I had hope....now, not so much.
This spotting has been going on since we started TTC#2 in July 2009. Why is this happening? What is the problem? How do we fix it? I've wasted enough time. I obviously have a problem and ignoring it isn't going to magically make it go away. Blind faith has never worked for me before and I am not counting on it now.
This spotting has been going on since we started TTC#2 in July 2009. Why is this happening? What is the problem? How do we fix it? I've wasted enough time. I obviously have a problem and ignoring it isn't going to magically make it go away. Blind faith has never worked for me before and I am not counting on it now.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Still hanging in there
I don't have anything new to report, but I will know for sure if this IVF worked or not in less than 48 hours. EEEEEK! On a good note, I stopped spotting for a full 24 hours. I am taking this as a good sign. I am also not going to take any more HPTs and am just going to wait to get my news on Monday. The last one I took was yesterday and it was a BFN. It definitely could've still been too early to test, but I decided I would just rather stop torturing myself with pee sticks...I will know when I am supposed to know. I feel good, I have butterflies in my stomach and am in good spirits. I plan on staying this way. Good things happen to good people and I am a very good person.
Please send some good vibes my way...I would love to be blessed with my MiniMacs :o)
Until next time.....xoxoxoxo
Amanda
Please send some good vibes my way...I would love to be blessed with my MiniMacs :o)
Until next time.....xoxoxoxo
Amanda
Friday, April 1, 2011
Twiddling my thumbs
Time is passing so incredibly slowly. I am sitting here with an ice pack on my black and blue and welted ass, numbing it for my PIO injection ....AWESOME. Still no period, but still spotting. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I am optimistic and the next my world feels like it is falling apart. I am holding onto every shred of hope I can muster.
The thoughts and prayers that I receive from my friends, family and e-friends have been amazing. I feel so completely loved and I am so appreciative of all the good wishes I receive. I am just so nervous to let everyone down. Please God, I am begging for a miracle....we've waited long enough.
Off to let Mr. Lovey Pants bend me over the kitchen counter.....to stick a needle in my booty, silly :o)
Until next time......xoxoxo
Amanda
The thoughts and prayers that I receive from my friends, family and e-friends have been amazing. I feel so completely loved and I am so appreciative of all the good wishes I receive. I am just so nervous to let everyone down. Please God, I am begging for a miracle....we've waited long enough.
Off to let Mr. Lovey Pants bend me over the kitchen counter.....to stick a needle in my booty, silly :o)
Until next time......xoxoxo
Amanda
Still the same
This is absolute torture! As usual, I have been spotting since Sunday night. I took a test this morning and BFN. Even without the test result, I am not optimistic. I feel like my period is going to show up any minute. My beta is on Monday, so I will know for sure then. I'm sure I will know before then, but the worse case is Monday.
I had a scare yesterday and was bleeding for a short time, so I thought for sure it was my period. Then it disappeared and then came back again as spotting. All I can do it hope, pray, and wait.
Until next time......xoxoxoxo
Amanda
I had a scare yesterday and was bleeding for a short time, so I thought for sure it was my period. Then it disappeared and then came back again as spotting. All I can do it hope, pray, and wait.
Until next time......xoxoxoxo
Amanda
Monday, March 28, 2011
Torture
As I do with every cycle for the past 24 cycles, I am spotting and I am freaking the F out. I know this is CAN be normal during IVF cycles, but this is my normal every month without getting pregnant, so I am a mess.
I called my nurse last night and this morning and there is NOTHING that can be done. I was at the RE this morning for a progesterone (P4) blood check and they ran an ultrasound anyway. My P4 came back at 18 which is normal and my ultrasound looked fine. I know I should feel relieved, but I don't. I am a wreck.
I definitely appreciate all of the love and support I am getting from my friends and family, but I am getting sick of answering questions. I know people are trying to help or relate when giving advice, but sometimes I just want to scream. While I think it is great that you "know someone who knows someone" that went through IVF, it does not mean that you know what I feel like or should be telling me how to handle this. It is so aggravating. These people should not be telling me what I should do or tell me what worked for their cousin's wife's best friend. I.DON'T.CARE.
I also know in my gut that there is going to be another pregnancy announcement or two coming very soon. These announcements are going to come from people that I truly care about and I don't think I will handle it well. I know that the world does not need to seek my permission, but in the state that I am in, I am irrational. Yup, that is me.....a messed up, jealous, bitter, infertile bitch.
A friend of mine warned me of an acquaintance's pregnancy, which I was so thankful she warned me of. This girl has been struggling in silence with infertility for years, so I am happy for her. How silly is it that I feel happy for her (even though I'm not supposed to know) and I don't think I can handle that news from people that are a bigger part of my life? I know it is messed up, but I can't just flip a switch and be normal again.
And the spotting continues.
Until next time.....xoxoxoxo
Amanda
I called my nurse last night and this morning and there is NOTHING that can be done. I was at the RE this morning for a progesterone (P4) blood check and they ran an ultrasound anyway. My P4 came back at 18 which is normal and my ultrasound looked fine. I know I should feel relieved, but I don't. I am a wreck.
I definitely appreciate all of the love and support I am getting from my friends and family, but I am getting sick of answering questions. I know people are trying to help or relate when giving advice, but sometimes I just want to scream. While I think it is great that you "know someone who knows someone" that went through IVF, it does not mean that you know what I feel like or should be telling me how to handle this. It is so aggravating. These people should not be telling me what I should do or tell me what worked for their cousin's wife's best friend. I.DON'T.CARE.
I also know in my gut that there is going to be another pregnancy announcement or two coming very soon. These announcements are going to come from people that I truly care about and I don't think I will handle it well. I know that the world does not need to seek my permission, but in the state that I am in, I am irrational. Yup, that is me.....a messed up, jealous, bitter, infertile bitch.
A friend of mine warned me of an acquaintance's pregnancy, which I was so thankful she warned me of. This girl has been struggling in silence with infertility for years, so I am happy for her. How silly is it that I feel happy for her (even though I'm not supposed to know) and I don't think I can handle that news from people that are a bigger part of my life? I know it is messed up, but I can't just flip a switch and be normal again.
And the spotting continues.
Until next time.....xoxoxoxo
Amanda
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Patiently Waiting
I am praying with all that I have that my Mini Macs are snuggling in for the long haul. It is still way too early to know anything yet and I am doing whatever I can possibly do to ensure that these McNuggets stick around.
I've been in my bed or on the couch since after my retrieval on Monday. My cramping is subsiding a bit, but not the bloat. Since my ovaries produced 26 eggs this months, as opposed to the one they normally do, they are enlarged, therefore the bloat. I know that if implantation happens, when it happens, the cramping could get worse, as well as the bloating. I actually want it to get worse because then I will know that this whole pregnancy may really happen.
I called my nurse yesterday to ask some questions and I found out that my pregnancy test was pushed out one day to April 4, not April 3. I know one day is not a big deal, but to me, it feels like forever.
Having my little nuggets in me, makes me technically pregnant and I am loving every minute of it. I want this feeling to last until December. Please Please Please let this be it for us.
Until next time............xoxoxo
Amanda
I've been in my bed or on the couch since after my retrieval on Monday. My cramping is subsiding a bit, but not the bloat. Since my ovaries produced 26 eggs this months, as opposed to the one they normally do, they are enlarged, therefore the bloat. I know that if implantation happens, when it happens, the cramping could get worse, as well as the bloating. I actually want it to get worse because then I will know that this whole pregnancy may really happen.
I called my nurse yesterday to ask some questions and I found out that my pregnancy test was pushed out one day to April 4, not April 3. I know one day is not a big deal, but to me, it feels like forever.
Having my little nuggets in me, makes me technically pregnant and I am loving every minute of it. I want this feeling to last until December. Please Please Please let this be it for us.
Until next time............xoxoxo
Amanda
Thursday, March 24, 2011
2 babies on board
I had 2 perfect 3 day embryos transferred, a 6 cell and a 7 cell. I am very happy that I have my Mini Macs where they belong. My hopes are definitely lifted and I know all of your thoughts and prayers helped, so thank you a million times over.
My RE was honest and told me that my embryos were sub-optimal for my age (33) and my response, but that the 2 being transferred are perfect. She wasn't supposed to do my transfer, but she was there for it and hugged me and made the whole process wonderful. I have to admit that the whole staff for both retrievals and transfers are just phenomenal and I have no doubt that every last one of them are doing/did all they could for me.
There are 4 more that they are watching to freeze....3 are slow growers and 1 is a 7 cell with 30% fragmentation.
I am in a much better place than I was yesterday, as I thought I was going to have nothing to work with. I have a renewed confidence and am doing my best to nurture my little nuggets so they decide to stick around for the next 9 months. Now I hold my breath until my beta on April 3.
So as of now, I am pregnant, until proven otherwise.
My RE was honest and told me that my embryos were sub-optimal for my age (33) and my response, but that the 2 being transferred are perfect. She wasn't supposed to do my transfer, but she was there for it and hugged me and made the whole process wonderful. I have to admit that the whole staff for both retrievals and transfers are just phenomenal and I have no doubt that every last one of them are doing/did all they could for me.
There are 4 more that they are watching to freeze....3 are slow growers and 1 is a 7 cell with 30% fragmentation.
I am in a much better place than I was yesterday, as I thought I was going to have nothing to work with. I have a renewed confidence and am doing my best to nurture my little nuggets so they decide to stick around for the next 9 months. Now I hold my breath until my beta on April 3.
So as of now, I am pregnant, until proven otherwise.
Wheel in my head keeps on turning
So here I am...awake for most of the night because I can't stop thinking of our poor embies fighting to be strong in the lab. I can't shut off my brain. I know that having a 3 day transfer later today is not bad news, it just isn't the news I was looking for. I know my RE prefers to do 5 day transfers, so it was definitely a huge blow to find out that she would rather me do a 3 day transfer. I was so confident that out of the 23 eggs that fertilized, we were going to have a handful of quality embryos to work with. To be honest, we may have quality embryos, but the change in embryos from fertilization to yesterday's check made the lab and my RE assume that Day 3 was better. I am holding onto every shred of hope that I have left.
Forget about having some left to freeze. I guess it is possible...anything is possible. Freezing was our back up plan and now we may not have one.....that is what scares me most. Mr. Lovey Pants and I decided that we were only going to try IVF once and then we were done. I know I could talk him into doing this again, but I don't think I can handle this again. I know this is the whole cart before the horse thing, but I am a planner....I need a plan.
When Mr. Lovey Pants got home from work last night, he told me that he was so angry when I told him the news, he wanted to rip off the top of his desk and throw it out the window. That is so unlike him to feel that way. He also jumped into research mode and consulted Dr. Google for the first time that I am aware of. He started acting the way I act.....creating a plan in case failure prevails. He said he would like to try Chinese herbs and acupuncture. Really? Now you want to try this. He has been so supportive and has been on board with everything so far, but now that we are approaching our agreed upon D-day, he wants to take the reins and have us go down yet another path. WHAT? I have been steering this journey and wracking my brain for almost 2 years. I've shared every bit of insight and information I have come across and now that the finish line is in sight, he is doing what I normally do...PANIC. He has been truly amazing throughout this whole ordeal and if our marriage weren't as strong as it is, I have no idea how we would make it through all of this. I think the lightbulb finally went off and he gets it, not that he didn't understand before, but now it is staring him down. This baby isn't coming along just because we do the deed and the harsh reality that this baby may never come has hit him. So now he feels extra sucky too...AWESOME :o(
I am so thankful that my parents are so understanding and took Beans overnight. I was just such a disaster yesterday and they were going to be watching her today during our transfer, so they picked her up earlier. She knew something was wrong with me and was crying that she wanted to stay with me. It broke my heart and I was sobbing as soon as she was gone. I wish she was here, so I could sneak into her bed and snuggle with her. Just being with her would make me feel so much better.....it always does.
I feel so guilty to be longing for another child so badly that it consumes my life. Beans is such a blessing and she truly is more than we could ever have asked for. She is so beautiful (I am not just saying this because I am her mom, she really is beautiful), smart (like scary smart for a 3 year old), sassy, super creative, and so much fun to be around. Anyone who knows her, knows how truly special she is. So how can someone ask for more when we are already blessed far beyond what we could have ever imagined? I guess it is just too much to ask and I hate the disappointment I feel because we don't have another. It is just a twisted way to feel.
Within a few hours, I will have my embryos inside of me and I will be pregnant...until proven otherwise. Ha! I need to pull it together and get positive. These embies need their mommy to be strong, so they can snuggle into their new home for the next 9 months. This is our shot and I can't leave anything to chance.
Until next time.......xoxoxo
Amanda
Forget about having some left to freeze. I guess it is possible...anything is possible. Freezing was our back up plan and now we may not have one.....that is what scares me most. Mr. Lovey Pants and I decided that we were only going to try IVF once and then we were done. I know I could talk him into doing this again, but I don't think I can handle this again. I know this is the whole cart before the horse thing, but I am a planner....I need a plan.
When Mr. Lovey Pants got home from work last night, he told me that he was so angry when I told him the news, he wanted to rip off the top of his desk and throw it out the window. That is so unlike him to feel that way. He also jumped into research mode and consulted Dr. Google for the first time that I am aware of. He started acting the way I act.....creating a plan in case failure prevails. He said he would like to try Chinese herbs and acupuncture. Really? Now you want to try this. He has been so supportive and has been on board with everything so far, but now that we are approaching our agreed upon D-day, he wants to take the reins and have us go down yet another path. WHAT? I have been steering this journey and wracking my brain for almost 2 years. I've shared every bit of insight and information I have come across and now that the finish line is in sight, he is doing what I normally do...PANIC. He has been truly amazing throughout this whole ordeal and if our marriage weren't as strong as it is, I have no idea how we would make it through all of this. I think the lightbulb finally went off and he gets it, not that he didn't understand before, but now it is staring him down. This baby isn't coming along just because we do the deed and the harsh reality that this baby may never come has hit him. So now he feels extra sucky too...AWESOME :o(
I am so thankful that my parents are so understanding and took Beans overnight. I was just such a disaster yesterday and they were going to be watching her today during our transfer, so they picked her up earlier. She knew something was wrong with me and was crying that she wanted to stay with me. It broke my heart and I was sobbing as soon as she was gone. I wish she was here, so I could sneak into her bed and snuggle with her. Just being with her would make me feel so much better.....it always does.
I feel so guilty to be longing for another child so badly that it consumes my life. Beans is such a blessing and she truly is more than we could ever have asked for. She is so beautiful (I am not just saying this because I am her mom, she really is beautiful), smart (like scary smart for a 3 year old), sassy, super creative, and so much fun to be around. Anyone who knows her, knows how truly special she is. So how can someone ask for more when we are already blessed far beyond what we could have ever imagined? I guess it is just too much to ask and I hate the disappointment I feel because we don't have another. It is just a twisted way to feel.
Within a few hours, I will have my embryos inside of me and I will be pregnant...until proven otherwise. Ha! I need to pull it together and get positive. These embies need their mommy to be strong, so they can snuggle into their new home for the next 9 months. This is our shot and I can't leave anything to chance.
Until next time.......xoxoxo
Amanda
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
So frustrating
So my RE called to discuss my embryos and the news is so-so.
She said I responded like a 23 year old egg donor and my whole cycle is text book perfect. Great! She also said that 23 out of 26 eggs fertilizing without ICSI was great. The problem is that with that many embryos, not all of them can be high-quality and they need quality not quantity. So even though the lab can't really grade the embryos until Day3, from what they saw of them this morning, they thought I was better off doing a 3 day transfer. I got the whole speech about how some embies don't respond well in a lab and do better is a uterus, but honestly, how do they know that? It is physically impossible to know that to be true.
I know this isn't the worst news, but I still feel like I got kicked in the stomach. I will meet with the RE before to discuss my latest report, but I am not optimistic.
Mr. Lovey Pants is crushed and I hate that. With the odds not in our favor and knowing that this is our one and only shot at IVF, I don't know how I can dig for more strength for me or for him.
How funny that I was so confident, cocky to be exact that I got 26 eggs and 23 fertilized? I said I was a rock star. Fat chance. I'm sure someone is laughing at me somewhere.
She said I responded like a 23 year old egg donor and my whole cycle is text book perfect. Great! She also said that 23 out of 26 eggs fertilizing without ICSI was great. The problem is that with that many embryos, not all of them can be high-quality and they need quality not quantity. So even though the lab can't really grade the embryos until Day3, from what they saw of them this morning, they thought I was better off doing a 3 day transfer. I got the whole speech about how some embies don't respond well in a lab and do better is a uterus, but honestly, how do they know that? It is physically impossible to know that to be true.
I know this isn't the worst news, but I still feel like I got kicked in the stomach. I will meet with the RE before to discuss my latest report, but I am not optimistic.
Mr. Lovey Pants is crushed and I hate that. With the odds not in our favor and knowing that this is our one and only shot at IVF, I don't know how I can dig for more strength for me or for him.
How funny that I was so confident, cocky to be exact that I got 26 eggs and 23 fertilized? I said I was a rock star. Fat chance. I'm sure someone is laughing at me somewhere.
What a joke
So I called my nurse earlier and didn't hear back, so I called again to ask a few questions about our transfer and she said she wasn't ignoring my call, but that the RE was going to call me instead. I asked about what and she said that of my 23 embryos, my fertility report today didn't look good. WTF? The RE wants to speak with me b/c I most likely won't have anything to freeze and she wanted to discuss this with me. I feel so sick. I had 23 fertilized eggs...WTF? If I don't have any to freeze how the f--- are any going to make it to transfer. Now I am just waiting for a phone call. Please send any prayers you have. I am crushed :o(
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Fertility Report is in
23 of my 26 eggs fertilized. We are thrilled. I can't even believe it. As of right now, I am scheduled for a 3 day embryo transfer on Thursday afternoon. On Thursday morning, I will find out if my transfer gets pushed out to a 5 day transfer on Saturday. I really want a 5 day transfer. We have 23 embryos right now, some have to make it to a 5 day, right?
Come on Lucky 23!!!!
Come on Lucky 23!!!!
Egg Retrieval is done...
....and I rocked it!!! The RE got 26 eggs. That is a lot of eggs.
Let me just say that 3 days before my retrieval it was 70-something degrees out. I woke up yesterday to snow. WHAT? That kind of threw off the start of our day. The normal 40 minute drive took us over an hour and a half. I was having a full blown panic attack in the car. About half way there, I had to pee SO BAD. Let me just explain that am bloated beyond belief and when I have to go, I have to go. I climbed into the back seat and used Beans' porta potty. Yup, I peed in the car and I really didn't care. The whole traffic fiasco made me 45 minutes late for my appointment. Thank goodness everyone was so understanding, since no one anticipated the bad weather.
I was called back for pre-op prep and I asked if I was going to see Mr. Lovey Pants before the retrieval and they told me yes. So I went back, got changed and met with the nurse to get the process underway. I met with the RE and the anesthesiologist and I was almost ready to go. The nurse went out to go get Mr. Lovey Pants and he was already off doing his part, so I didn't get to see him beforehand. I was so upset about that, I was so nervous and scared and just wanted to see him, but it didn't happen. The RE knew how nervous I was and she held my hand and walked me from pre-op to the OR. She even held my hand until the anasthesia kicked in. She said so many encouraging, kind words and I am forever thankful for her kindness. How nice is that?
When I woke up and was told they got 26 eggs, the nurses clapped for me. I was so excited, but drugged. When I finally got to see Mr. Lovey Pants, he was so relieved. He was so worried because no one updated him about anything, so he had no idea what was going on. Poor guy.
I have to admit that I had a wonderful experience....not that I want to do this again, but the whole retrieval team did an outstanding job at making me feel comfortable, especially the RE.
I got home and slept for most of the day and was pretty uncomfortable. Mr. Lovey Pants gave me my first progesterone in oil (PIO) shot last night and it wasn't bad at all. After the shot, I walked upsatirs to my bedroom, sat on my bed, then when I got up to go to the bathroom, Mr. Lovey Pants freaked because there was blood on the back of my pants. Thank goodness it wasn't bad at all and it was just from the injection site. I tried to find a band-aid and could only find princess band-aids, so now I have a Cinderella band-aid on my ass LOL
Today, I feel better than yesterday. I am not as drugged out, but still pretty uncomfortable. I have been chugalugging coconut water and gatorade and have been peeing every 5 minutes, so I know that is good.
I have been praying that our 26 eggs all fertilized and are doing well. I am waiting for the phone call with the fertility results and time is going by soooo slowly. When I get that call, I should know if I am going for a 3 day transfer on Thursday or a 5 day on Saturday. I am praying for a 5 day. Please!!!!
Let me just say that 3 days before my retrieval it was 70-something degrees out. I woke up yesterday to snow. WHAT? That kind of threw off the start of our day. The normal 40 minute drive took us over an hour and a half. I was having a full blown panic attack in the car. About half way there, I had to pee SO BAD. Let me just explain that am bloated beyond belief and when I have to go, I have to go. I climbed into the back seat and used Beans' porta potty. Yup, I peed in the car and I really didn't care. The whole traffic fiasco made me 45 minutes late for my appointment. Thank goodness everyone was so understanding, since no one anticipated the bad weather.
I was called back for pre-op prep and I asked if I was going to see Mr. Lovey Pants before the retrieval and they told me yes. So I went back, got changed and met with the nurse to get the process underway. I met with the RE and the anesthesiologist and I was almost ready to go. The nurse went out to go get Mr. Lovey Pants and he was already off doing his part, so I didn't get to see him beforehand. I was so upset about that, I was so nervous and scared and just wanted to see him, but it didn't happen. The RE knew how nervous I was and she held my hand and walked me from pre-op to the OR. She even held my hand until the anasthesia kicked in. She said so many encouraging, kind words and I am forever thankful for her kindness. How nice is that?
When I woke up and was told they got 26 eggs, the nurses clapped for me. I was so excited, but drugged. When I finally got to see Mr. Lovey Pants, he was so relieved. He was so worried because no one updated him about anything, so he had no idea what was going on. Poor guy.
I have to admit that I had a wonderful experience....not that I want to do this again, but the whole retrieval team did an outstanding job at making me feel comfortable, especially the RE.
I got home and slept for most of the day and was pretty uncomfortable. Mr. Lovey Pants gave me my first progesterone in oil (PIO) shot last night and it wasn't bad at all. After the shot, I walked upsatirs to my bedroom, sat on my bed, then when I got up to go to the bathroom, Mr. Lovey Pants freaked because there was blood on the back of my pants. Thank goodness it wasn't bad at all and it was just from the injection site. I tried to find a band-aid and could only find princess band-aids, so now I have a Cinderella band-aid on my ass LOL
Today, I feel better than yesterday. I am not as drugged out, but still pretty uncomfortable. I have been chugalugging coconut water and gatorade and have been peeing every 5 minutes, so I know that is good.
I have been praying that our 26 eggs all fertilized and are doing well. I am waiting for the phone call with the fertility results and time is going by soooo slowly. When I get that call, I should know if I am going for a 3 day transfer on Thursday or a 5 day on Saturday. I am praying for a 5 day. Please!!!!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Tomorrow is a big day
Tomorrow is my egg retrieval and I am nervous and excited at the same time.
I triggered last night...well, my awesome sister-in-law triggered me while I was bent over her stove LOL. She was such a trooper and did a great job.
I went in for my last monitoring appointment before the retrieval and I still have 29 follicles. That is a TON. I just pray that these eggs are high quality. The RE told me to drink at least a gallon of water/gatorade/coconut water a day just to try to prevent OHSS. I am deathly afraid of OHSS.
Mr. Lovey Pants and I dropped Beans off at my parents house for a sleepover, so we have the house to ourselves tonight. The house is so quiet without her here. I miss her already.
I will try to update tomorrow, but I plan on taking it super easy. Fingers crossed that tomorrow goes well.
I triggered last night...well, my awesome sister-in-law triggered me while I was bent over her stove LOL. She was such a trooper and did a great job.
I went in for my last monitoring appointment before the retrieval and I still have 29 follicles. That is a TON. I just pray that these eggs are high quality. The RE told me to drink at least a gallon of water/gatorade/coconut water a day just to try to prevent OHSS. I am deathly afraid of OHSS.
Mr. Lovey Pants and I dropped Beans off at my parents house for a sleepover, so we have the house to ourselves tonight. The house is so quiet without her here. I miss her already.
I will try to update tomorrow, but I plan on taking it super easy. Fingers crossed that tomorrow goes well.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I'm spent
My cycle is progressing nicely, which is great news. I have lots of follicles growing and will most likely trigger within the next two days with my egg retrieval 36 hours after trigger. The bad news is, I.am.a.mess.
Nothing bad has happened. I haven't received bad news. I am just done. I am so done with trying to have another baby. I am so tired of our lives revolving around a child that isn't conceived yet or may never be. I hate the drugs. I hate what they do to me. I hate the way I react to things. I am angry. I am sad. I hate not being myself. I miss the "real" me.
I feel like having another child has become an obsession. I want to let it go so bad, but for some reason I keep holding on. I really want to have another child, but this has taken such a toll on our lives, that I don't know how much longer I can hang on.
Nothing bad has happened. I haven't received bad news. I am just done. I am so done with trying to have another baby. I am so tired of our lives revolving around a child that isn't conceived yet or may never be. I hate the drugs. I hate what they do to me. I hate the way I react to things. I am angry. I am sad. I hate not being myself. I miss the "real" me.
I feel like having another child has become an obsession. I want to let it go so bad, but for some reason I keep holding on. I really want to have another child, but this has taken such a toll on our lives, that I don't know how much longer I can hang on.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Moving right along
I went in for another follie check this morning and everything is progressing nicely. On my right ovary, my follies measure in at a 13, a 12, and 9 less than 11. On my left, I have 11 less than 11, for a total of 22 follies so far. I know that is a great number, I am just scared to death of hypertimulating. I am already feeling crampy, bloated, have headaches, etc. I am a great responder to stim meds, so I just hope my hormone levels remain in check, so this cycle continues to be a smooth one.
I asked the RE when she thinks I will go in for my retrieval and she said that it is too early to tell yet, but if I didn't go in this weekend, it would be early next week. Of course, Sunday is the one day that I would rather it not be, but what can you do? Mr. Lovey Pants and my brother have long-standing plans to go to a UFC match (not my bag, but whatever) and spend the night somewhere after the fight. He really deserves a night out without having to plan around my 2IF and I feel terribly guilty. I know it isn't my fault and it is totally out of my control, but I just want him to go out and have a guys night without having to worry about me. What is meant to be will be and I don't want to send any negative energy out into the Universe. It is what it is.
In other news, Mr. Lovey Pants got a promotion today. It is so great to see his hard work pay off. He works so hard and deserves so many wonderful things (as do well all). I am so proud of him. I have a feeling this is the beginning of our luck turning around.
I asked the RE when she thinks I will go in for my retrieval and she said that it is too early to tell yet, but if I didn't go in this weekend, it would be early next week. Of course, Sunday is the one day that I would rather it not be, but what can you do? Mr. Lovey Pants and my brother have long-standing plans to go to a UFC match (not my bag, but whatever) and spend the night somewhere after the fight. He really deserves a night out without having to plan around my 2IF and I feel terribly guilty. I know it isn't my fault and it is totally out of my control, but I just want him to go out and have a guys night without having to worry about me. What is meant to be will be and I don't want to send any negative energy out into the Universe. It is what it is.
In other news, Mr. Lovey Pants got a promotion today. It is so great to see his hard work pay off. He works so hard and deserves so many wonderful things (as do well all). I am so proud of him. I have a feeling this is the beginning of our luck turning around.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Finally getting this party started
I am happy to say that we officially started our IVF cycle tonight.
I went in for monitoring this morning and I had 8 small follies on each ovary for a total of 16. I know it doesn't mean anything yet, but I'll take it. Once I got the call that my bloodwork tests came back good, I got my instructions. I was told to lower my Lupron injections from 20 units to 10 units and start my Follistim injections at 225 units. Mr. Lovey Pants starts his Doryx (antibiotics) tomorrow. I go back for more monitoring Sunday morning and we take it from there.
I did tonight's injections, so I guess it is safe to say that I am in my IVF cycle. GULP! I am still in disbelief that it has come to this, but what kind of mother would I be if I didn't fight for my children, whether here on this Earth or not? I just pray that I am not fighting a losing battle.
I went in for monitoring this morning and I had 8 small follies on each ovary for a total of 16. I know it doesn't mean anything yet, but I'll take it. Once I got the call that my bloodwork tests came back good, I got my instructions. I was told to lower my Lupron injections from 20 units to 10 units and start my Follistim injections at 225 units. Mr. Lovey Pants starts his Doryx (antibiotics) tomorrow. I go back for more monitoring Sunday morning and we take it from there.
I did tonight's injections, so I guess it is safe to say that I am in my IVF cycle. GULP! I am still in disbelief that it has come to this, but what kind of mother would I be if I didn't fight for my children, whether here on this Earth or not? I just pray that I am not fighting a losing battle.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Let's get this show on the road
So, for the first time in almost 2 years, I am so excited to finally have my monthly visitor. I needed for her to make her appearance in order to get IVF #1 underway. Now that she is here, I go in for monitoring on Thursday morning to see if I am all clear to start stims that night. Fingers crossed that all goes well and I can make it out the gate this time. No more false starts. I need this to be it.
Monday, February 28, 2011
It has been a little while since I posted last, but I was feeling very all over the place and finding time to sit and focus was not happening.
So my IVF cycle is on a bit of a delay, which is disappointing, but I've accepted it at this point and am moving forward. The double Lupron dose did not stop my ovulation from happening, so my RE called off my cycle. I went in on Tuesday for monitoring and they saw that my follicle almost doubled in size, so there was no way I could cycle. In order to force the egg to release from the follicle, I had to take my trigger shot. My trigger was my first intramuscular shot in the booty, given by Mr. Lovey Pants. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but poor Mr. Lovey Pants...I micro-managed his every movement and he was so nervous. He did a great job. I know he was so nervous and I most certainly did not help the situation.
I went back to the RE on Friday and I had in fact ovulated, courtesy of the trigger, so I started on Lupron again. I am to continue taking the Lupron and go in for additional monitoring on day 3 of my period to see if I can start stims that night. So I am not that far off track. In other good news, the IVF lab does not close on March 14...that is just the last day you can start a cycle before they close for a few weeks. Since I typically get AF 10-12 DPO, I should be good to start stims within the next week, which is before March 14. I firmly believe this delay was divine intervention so that the timing would be just perfect for Mini MacD to be conceived :o)
The delay couldn't have come at a better time because Beans 3rd birthday was on Saturday, the 26th and I was really stressing that I was going to be uncomfortable taking all the stims, so that worked in our favor too. We had a party for her at one of those indoor kiddie play places and she had a blast, and so did Mr. Lovey Pants and I. It was so great to watch her and all her little friends and family have fun. I will admit that the morning of her bday, I did get a little sad that she doesn't have a sibling to share all of this with, but I didn't let that get me down. We gave her a fish tank, that she picked out her own fish for and that was a HUGE hit. She thinks she is their mommy...too funny. We also showed her a picture of the swing set we are getting her (once this darn snow melts) and I know she is going to flip when that arrives. I love spoiling my sweet little girl.
On Saturday night, after she went to bed, Mr. Lovey Pants and I drank champagne in front of the fire and talked about how blessed we are. We are very blessed indeed.
Until next time......xoxoxo
Amanda
So my IVF cycle is on a bit of a delay, which is disappointing, but I've accepted it at this point and am moving forward. The double Lupron dose did not stop my ovulation from happening, so my RE called off my cycle. I went in on Tuesday for monitoring and they saw that my follicle almost doubled in size, so there was no way I could cycle. In order to force the egg to release from the follicle, I had to take my trigger shot. My trigger was my first intramuscular shot in the booty, given by Mr. Lovey Pants. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but poor Mr. Lovey Pants...I micro-managed his every movement and he was so nervous. He did a great job. I know he was so nervous and I most certainly did not help the situation.
I went back to the RE on Friday and I had in fact ovulated, courtesy of the trigger, so I started on Lupron again. I am to continue taking the Lupron and go in for additional monitoring on day 3 of my period to see if I can start stims that night. So I am not that far off track. In other good news, the IVF lab does not close on March 14...that is just the last day you can start a cycle before they close for a few weeks. Since I typically get AF 10-12 DPO, I should be good to start stims within the next week, which is before March 14. I firmly believe this delay was divine intervention so that the timing would be just perfect for Mini MacD to be conceived :o)
The delay couldn't have come at a better time because Beans 3rd birthday was on Saturday, the 26th and I was really stressing that I was going to be uncomfortable taking all the stims, so that worked in our favor too. We had a party for her at one of those indoor kiddie play places and she had a blast, and so did Mr. Lovey Pants and I. It was so great to watch her and all her little friends and family have fun. I will admit that the morning of her bday, I did get a little sad that she doesn't have a sibling to share all of this with, but I didn't let that get me down. We gave her a fish tank, that she picked out her own fish for and that was a HUGE hit. She thinks she is their mommy...too funny. We also showed her a picture of the swing set we are getting her (once this darn snow melts) and I know she is going to flip when that arrives. I love spoiling my sweet little girl.
On Saturday night, after she went to bed, Mr. Lovey Pants and I drank champagne in front of the fire and talked about how blessed we are. We are very blessed indeed.
Until next time......xoxoxo
Amanda
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Not going as planned
So I went to the RE yesterday for my suppression check, which is an ultrasound and bloodwork apppointment to make sure your reproductive system is at baseline or rest level. I had my bloodwork first and all seemed well. Then I had my ultrasound...not so good. During my ultrasound, the RE saw a dominant follicle measuring in at an 11. She didn't say that it was bad at the time, so I thought nothing of it and I went on with my day.
Fast forward to 3 o'clock, the phone rang and it was my nurse. I knew immediately that she didn't have good news. So she tells me that my body broke through the birth control and the Lupron and that my body was preparing to ovulate on it's own, so that I needed to double my Lupron dose and come back in on Tuesday for another suppression check to see if my body was cooperating so I could start taking my stim injections. Umm, WHAT? I was so caught off guard that I didn't even ask any questions, I just hung up the phone and I cried. It took me a while to be optimistic about IVF even working for us, so this was another blow.
After talking to my friend, she told me to call back and find out what the heck was going on. I spoke to my nurse and apparently, breaking through the pill and Lupron does happen to some people and I get to be one of them. Lucky me. I asked her if bumping up the Lupron was going to suppress me by Tuesday and she told me that they hope it does, but by Tuesday, they will know if I am on the right track or not. I may not be fully suppressed by then, but they will at least be able to see if the higher dose of Lupron is going working or not. Now here is where it gets really stressful....the lab closes on March 14 for 2 weeks, like they do every quarter, so I need to be fuly suppressed by this time next weekend or I can't even do my IVF this cycle. F'ing Fabulous. This has to work. I don't want to wait any longer. I know in the grand scheme of things, this isn't a big deal, but so much time has gone by already. Hopefully, this is divine intervention and this setback is just what was needed to get our little butterball in time for Turkey Day.
Who ovulates on the birth control pill anyway? Maybe if Mr. Lovey Pants slaps on a Trojan and we get busy, we can make a baby! I mean seriously, this is just absurd.
Until next time............xoxoxoxo
Amanda
Fast forward to 3 o'clock, the phone rang and it was my nurse. I knew immediately that she didn't have good news. So she tells me that my body broke through the birth control and the Lupron and that my body was preparing to ovulate on it's own, so that I needed to double my Lupron dose and come back in on Tuesday for another suppression check to see if my body was cooperating so I could start taking my stim injections. Umm, WHAT? I was so caught off guard that I didn't even ask any questions, I just hung up the phone and I cried. It took me a while to be optimistic about IVF even working for us, so this was another blow.
After talking to my friend, she told me to call back and find out what the heck was going on. I spoke to my nurse and apparently, breaking through the pill and Lupron does happen to some people and I get to be one of them. Lucky me. I asked her if bumping up the Lupron was going to suppress me by Tuesday and she told me that they hope it does, but by Tuesday, they will know if I am on the right track or not. I may not be fully suppressed by then, but they will at least be able to see if the higher dose of Lupron is going working or not. Now here is where it gets really stressful....the lab closes on March 14 for 2 weeks, like they do every quarter, so I need to be fuly suppressed by this time next weekend or I can't even do my IVF this cycle. F'ing Fabulous. This has to work. I don't want to wait any longer. I know in the grand scheme of things, this isn't a big deal, but so much time has gone by already. Hopefully, this is divine intervention and this setback is just what was needed to get our little butterball in time for Turkey Day.
Who ovulates on the birth control pill anyway? Maybe if Mr. Lovey Pants slaps on a Trojan and we get busy, we can make a baby! I mean seriously, this is just absurd.
Until next time............xoxoxoxo
Amanda
Sunday, February 13, 2011
LaLaLaLa Lupron
I started my Lupron injections on Friday night and it took us a few minutes to get situated. I even pricked my finger with the needle, but it wasn't so bad. But geez...what an absolute spazz these injections make me. I've heard that some of the side effects could be headaches, hot flashes, loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, etc. I even heard about this so called Lupron fog, but it couldn't happen to me, right? Hahahaha...fat chance! I am a complete and total moron. I don't mean slow to get the joke dumb, I mean dumb like I can't remember what I am talking about, forgetting what I am supposed to do, leaving doors open, putting conditioner in my hair first, like a complete and total airhead dumb. Mr. Lovey Pants is taking complete advantage of me being off my game. I have to admit that not being accountable for much has it's advantages, so I am making the best of it for now. I actually feel more relaxed on this medication than I have in over a year....hmmmmm. It feels pretty good to have the old Amanda back, so I am just going to ride this wave to babyland (I hope!!!).
My nurse called me on Friday to remind me to start the injections that night. She also instructed me to take my last BCP on Valentine's Day and to come in on Thursday, the 17th for monitoring and to start stimming that night. My RE promised me that I would not have my ER on 2/26, as that is my Beans' birthday. I told my nurse that I was very nervous that I could go in on 2/26 anyway because I am a quick responder to the stim meds. She agreed, so I am not going to start stims until a day later, Friday the 18th. I feel so much better about that. The last thing I would ever want to do is miss my faviorite girls' birthday and party.....she deserves the world and Mommy and Daddy wouldn't miss it for anything.
Until next time......xoxoxo
My nurse called me on Friday to remind me to start the injections that night. She also instructed me to take my last BCP on Valentine's Day and to come in on Thursday, the 17th for monitoring and to start stimming that night. My RE promised me that I would not have my ER on 2/26, as that is my Beans' birthday. I told my nurse that I was very nervous that I could go in on 2/26 anyway because I am a quick responder to the stim meds. She agreed, so I am not going to start stims until a day later, Friday the 18th. I feel so much better about that. The last thing I would ever want to do is miss my faviorite girls' birthday and party.....she deserves the world and Mommy and Daddy wouldn't miss it for anything.
Until next time......xoxoxo
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Waiting is the hardest part
Not much new here to report on the IVF front. I started the BCP last Thursday and received my tentative IVF schedule yesterday. I start Lupron on Friday, 2/11, pop my last BtCP on Love Day, start Follistim on Thursday, 2/17, and have a tentative egg retrieval for Sunday, 2/27. Let's get this show on the road already!! I am definitely getting antsy, so I am doing my best to keep busy. Busy is good. Busy doesn't let my mind wander to the what-ifs. Busy is my friend.
I am so lucky to have all of the support of my family, friends, and fellow SIFers. We have so many people cheering us on and it feels awesome. We have positive energy all around us and we are running with it.
Less than 48 hours until the first injection and I can't wait. This is it!
Until next time.......xoxoxoxo
I am so lucky to have all of the support of my family, friends, and fellow SIFers. We have so many people cheering us on and it feels awesome. We have positive energy all around us and we are running with it.
Less than 48 hours until the first injection and I can't wait. This is it!
Until next time.......xoxoxoxo
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Interesting article
This article was shared on one of the message boards I frequent. I feel like I could have written this myself. I relate so much to what the author is saying. I figured I would share this with all of you, so all of you can better understand what we are going through.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/women_shealth/5088578/Secondary-infertility-One-is-not-enough.html
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/women_shealth/5088578/Secondary-infertility-One-is-not-enough.html
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
IVF it is
So it is 100% official; we are moving forward with IVF. We knew we were going to be doing IVF, but there was still a part of both of us that thought that maybe, just maybe we would be lucky enough to get pregnant on our own last cycle. No dice. I started my pre-AF bleeding on Thursday and even though this happens every month, I always think that there is a chance that maybe the bleeding is a good sign. It never is. So in the middle of the night, I woke up to a full on flow. Like all over my sheets in the middle of the night with horrible cramps period. Really? Why can't you just show up without making a big scene? Why does it have to be like a sucker punch? Well, F you too AF....F you too.
I go to the RE on Thursday for my CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound. Provided that there are no surprises at my appointment, I will be starting the BCP and will get instructions about when to start Lupron injections and stop the BCP. Good times.
I still am having a hard time believing that we are really starting an IVF cycle. How did this happen? I am still baffled that we've been on this journey for almost 2 years. I am tired of this. I want to be normal again. I don't want to be broken. I want to have a baby like I did before. I am a good mother. I can do this. I want to do this. Please please please let this be it for us. I don't think I can handle much more of this. I just want to be in the delivery room with Mr. Lovey Pants crying and loving our beautiful little miracle. I am begging for this to be the beginning of our miracle.
I go to the RE on Thursday for my CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound. Provided that there are no surprises at my appointment, I will be starting the BCP and will get instructions about when to start Lupron injections and stop the BCP. Good times.
I still am having a hard time believing that we are really starting an IVF cycle. How did this happen? I am still baffled that we've been on this journey for almost 2 years. I am tired of this. I want to be normal again. I don't want to be broken. I want to have a baby like I did before. I am a good mother. I can do this. I want to do this. Please please please let this be it for us. I don't think I can handle much more of this. I just want to be in the delivery room with Mr. Lovey Pants crying and loving our beautiful little miracle. I am begging for this to be the beginning of our miracle.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The toll of Secondary Infertility (SIF)
So yesterday we had our IVF class and received our instruction sheet on how to use the meds and when. Mr. Lovey Pants was with me and he learned how to administer my intramuscular injections and as happy as I am that I don't have to do it, it breaks my heart that he has to be the one to do it. This isn't his fault, this is my problem and I wish I could fix it without him having to be inconvenienced or hurt in any way. I can see how hard this is becoming for him...it is starting to take it's toll on him too. I hate this!
After the class, we met with the RE and I asked more questions. I need to know everything about IVF, why this protocol was chosen for me, etc. I thought that after the class and meeting with the RE again I would feel better about IVF, but I don't. I am still in denial that it has come to this and I feel like this will never happen for us again. SIF has definitely beat us down and has truly impacted our quality of life. I am already feeling as though IVF will not work for us and the messed up thing is that I don't know if I really feel that way, or if it is my mind/body's way of protecting me from getting my hopes up. I truly hope and pray that it works, but if it doesn't, Mr. Lovey Pants and I are leaning toward not pursuing any other treatment. We may change our minds, but right now we can't even imagine living in this hell much longer. Our Beans is just perfect and as much as we'd love for her to have a sibling, she deserves to have her mommy and daddy at their best.
So my oldest and dearest friend went through IF a few years back. I did my best to try to understand what she was going through and I'm sure I fell short because I couldn't relate first-hand. I watched her suffer through miscarriage after miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, chemical pregnancies, treatments, various diagnosis, you name it...and it was heartbreaking to watch her go through all this. During all of this, I got pregnant with Beans and felt so guilty. I knew how unfair it was to my friend. After having a procedure to repair a reproductive issue, abandoning further treatment, modifying her diet, and exercising, my friend conceived on her own and had a beautiful baby a little over a year ago. It was truly amazing to watch her become a mother, after the hell she went through. Then SIF hit me and she has been an amazing friend and supporter of me throughout this process. So last night, we were on the phone discussing my appointment from yesterday and BOOM....SURPRISE...she is expecting #2. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled for her because she and her husband deserve this. I was just so taken off guard. I wasn't expecting to hear that. I am not going to lie....I was definitely jealous, but I did tell her that because SHE GETS IT. We have traded places.....pretty ironic, huh? She knows that I wish her nothing but the best and will be her biggest supporter during this pregnancy. (If you know me in real life and think you know who I am referring to here....shut your mouth and keep it to yourself....this is not my news to share..thanks)
After taking some time to process, it hit me that this is not going to be the only surprise pregnancy news that I hear. I definitely handle the news better when it is expected, but I also realize how utterly ridiculous it is to assume that the the whole world isn't going to include me in their conception plans, but it sure would be nice.
Until next time.....xoxoxo
Amanda
After the class, we met with the RE and I asked more questions. I need to know everything about IVF, why this protocol was chosen for me, etc. I thought that after the class and meeting with the RE again I would feel better about IVF, but I don't. I am still in denial that it has come to this and I feel like this will never happen for us again. SIF has definitely beat us down and has truly impacted our quality of life. I am already feeling as though IVF will not work for us and the messed up thing is that I don't know if I really feel that way, or if it is my mind/body's way of protecting me from getting my hopes up. I truly hope and pray that it works, but if it doesn't, Mr. Lovey Pants and I are leaning toward not pursuing any other treatment. We may change our minds, but right now we can't even imagine living in this hell much longer. Our Beans is just perfect and as much as we'd love for her to have a sibling, she deserves to have her mommy and daddy at their best.
So my oldest and dearest friend went through IF a few years back. I did my best to try to understand what she was going through and I'm sure I fell short because I couldn't relate first-hand. I watched her suffer through miscarriage after miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, chemical pregnancies, treatments, various diagnosis, you name it...and it was heartbreaking to watch her go through all this. During all of this, I got pregnant with Beans and felt so guilty. I knew how unfair it was to my friend. After having a procedure to repair a reproductive issue, abandoning further treatment, modifying her diet, and exercising, my friend conceived on her own and had a beautiful baby a little over a year ago. It was truly amazing to watch her become a mother, after the hell she went through. Then SIF hit me and she has been an amazing friend and supporter of me throughout this process. So last night, we were on the phone discussing my appointment from yesterday and BOOM....SURPRISE...she is expecting #2. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled for her because she and her husband deserve this. I was just so taken off guard. I wasn't expecting to hear that. I am not going to lie....I was definitely jealous, but I did tell her that because SHE GETS IT. We have traded places.....pretty ironic, huh? She knows that I wish her nothing but the best and will be her biggest supporter during this pregnancy. (If you know me in real life and think you know who I am referring to here....shut your mouth and keep it to yourself....this is not my news to share..thanks)
After taking some time to process, it hit me that this is not going to be the only surprise pregnancy news that I hear. I definitely handle the news better when it is expected, but I also realize how utterly ridiculous it is to assume that the the whole world isn't going to include me in their conception plans, but it sure would be nice.
Until next time.....xoxoxo
Amanda
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Meds arrived
GULP! I got my med shipment on Friday and I nearly fell over when I opened the box. Not only are there lots of different medications to inject, swallow, put up in my lady business, etc., there are needles that are so big that they look like they could inflict some serious pain. We go for our IVF class on Tuesday, so I will have a better idea of my protocol than I do now. Right now, I have an overwhelming amount of supplies that I am not sure what to do with.
I am starting to panic about all of this....I am so nervous. I really just want to get this show on the road so I can stop analyzing this whole infertility saga. Now we are just waiting for AF to show up. Tick tock tick tock tick tock
Unti next time ...........xoxoxo
I am starting to panic about all of this....I am so nervous. I really just want to get this show on the road so I can stop analyzing this whole infertility saga. Now we are just waiting for AF to show up. Tick tock tick tock tick tock
Unti next time ...........xoxoxo
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Feeling Overwhelmed
There is really nothing new to report. Everything is status quo, which is a good thing, I guess. I am about half-way through this cycle, which is a rest cycle, so our IVF cycle will be here before we know it.
So this morning, the pharmacy called me about my IVF meds and initially I was excited because things are progressing. The rep was so sweet and wished me lots of luck with my cycle. How nice of her! Sometimes just a little bit of support from even a complete stranger is what keeps my spirits up....it is such a great feeling to know that we have people cheering us on. Once I got off the phone with the rep, I went through the list of medications I will be taking/injecting/sticking up in my lady parts or whatever, and I felt really overwhelmed. Unfortunately, they didn't include any valium or some sort of sanity pill in this order ;o) Has it really come to this? This is really going to happen and I guess I am in a bit of denial about it. Pretty funny that in the back of my head I think, "what if we get pregnant on our own this cycle and I don't need the meds that we just bought"? That would be amazing, but I am being realistic.
I haven't told many people in real life that we made the decision to move to IVF. I really just don't feel like listening to how much they can relate because it took them 2 months to conceive or how their next door neighbor stopped all treatment and got pregnant when she stopped trying. I just don't have the energy to educate the ignorant. Prior to having to deal with secondary infertility, I was ignorant too.....what I wouldn't give to still be that person. **sigh**
I am looking forward to this weekend BIG TIME! My brother and sister-in-law are taking Beans overnight, so Mr. Lovey Pants and I can have a date night. Beans is so excited to spend the night with her aunt and uncle, but mostly with her baby cousin. Mommy and Daddy are super excited too! We are going out to dinner and then meeting up with friends for cocktails. I am labeling this my "last night out"...hopefully until a little more than 9 months from now.
Until next time....xoxoxo
So this morning, the pharmacy called me about my IVF meds and initially I was excited because things are progressing. The rep was so sweet and wished me lots of luck with my cycle. How nice of her! Sometimes just a little bit of support from even a complete stranger is what keeps my spirits up....it is such a great feeling to know that we have people cheering us on. Once I got off the phone with the rep, I went through the list of medications I will be taking/injecting/sticking up in my lady parts or whatever, and I felt really overwhelmed. Unfortunately, they didn't include any valium or some sort of sanity pill in this order ;o) Has it really come to this? This is really going to happen and I guess I am in a bit of denial about it. Pretty funny that in the back of my head I think, "what if we get pregnant on our own this cycle and I don't need the meds that we just bought"? That would be amazing, but I am being realistic.
I haven't told many people in real life that we made the decision to move to IVF. I really just don't feel like listening to how much they can relate because it took them 2 months to conceive or how their next door neighbor stopped all treatment and got pregnant when she stopped trying. I just don't have the energy to educate the ignorant. Prior to having to deal with secondary infertility, I was ignorant too.....what I wouldn't give to still be that person. **sigh**
I am looking forward to this weekend BIG TIME! My brother and sister-in-law are taking Beans overnight, so Mr. Lovey Pants and I can have a date night. Beans is so excited to spend the night with her aunt and uncle, but mostly with her baby cousin. Mommy and Daddy are super excited too! We are going out to dinner and then meeting up with friends for cocktails. I am labeling this my "last night out"...hopefully until a little more than 9 months from now.
Until next time....xoxoxo
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
We made a decision
I went in for my saline sonogram yesterday afternoon and all came back clear, which is good. I almost wanted there to be a polyp in there, so we had a definite answer to my abnormal bleeding, but I am glad that there was nothing there. With something anatomical being ruled out, my RE believes that my bleeding is strictly hormonal, so hopefully much closer observation through bloodwork and ultrasound during the second half of my cycle will be able identify and fix any hormonal problems prior to them happening, therefore getting the bleeding to stop.
With all of that to take in, we needed to decide whether or not we planned on doing another IUI, which would make it our FIFTH or move onto IVF. We decided that we are going to make the leap to IVF. With IVF, the success rates are much higher and we feel that we owe to eachother to give it a try. I never thought that we would have to go down this road, but here we are and we are both ok with it. We know that IVF is more invasive than IUI, but again we are ok with that. Most of our family and friends are very supportive, but some are not and to be honest, we are ok with that too. We don't need approval or disapproval from anyone other than eachother. I know that those that aren't supportive are that way because they don't know enough about IVF and our situation or they are scared for us. They are scared because of how we will deal with the outcome if we don't get pregnant, which is our biggest fear too, but we will cross that bridge if/when we get to it.
In the meantime, we have an IVF class that we need to take and then we wait until my period shows up. Once that happens, we get our IVF underway.
Until next time.....xoxoxoxo
With all of that to take in, we needed to decide whether or not we planned on doing another IUI, which would make it our FIFTH or move onto IVF. We decided that we are going to make the leap to IVF. With IVF, the success rates are much higher and we feel that we owe to eachother to give it a try. I never thought that we would have to go down this road, but here we are and we are both ok with it. We know that IVF is more invasive than IUI, but again we are ok with that. Most of our family and friends are very supportive, but some are not and to be honest, we are ok with that too. We don't need approval or disapproval from anyone other than eachother. I know that those that aren't supportive are that way because they don't know enough about IVF and our situation or they are scared for us. They are scared because of how we will deal with the outcome if we don't get pregnant, which is our biggest fear too, but we will cross that bridge if/when we get to it.
In the meantime, we have an IVF class that we need to take and then we wait until my period shows up. Once that happens, we get our IVF underway.
Until next time.....xoxoxoxo
Friday, January 7, 2011
Next Steps
So…….
I never went in for my beta on Wednesday. I called my nurse and asked her if I could just wait an extra 2 days and come in for the test the same day I was meeting with the RE for my WTF consult. Fast forward to today.
Well, it is snowing in North NJ today and of course I couldn’t make it in to my appointment. I called to reschedule and RE’s assistant told me that we could do a conference call. Thank goodness! There is no way I could hang in limbo much longer.
I will give the condensed version of our conversation. Overall, I have the ovaries of a 23 year old and Mr. Lovey Pants has stellar swimmers, so there is no problem there. I respond really well to injectables, so well in fact, that she keeps me on a relatively low dosage for fear of multiples and by multiples she meant more than twins....GULP! Thank goodness, I was never in danger of more than twins. The problem happens to be my pre-period bleeding, which the Drs refer to as luteal phase spotting. Let me just tell you….I don’t spot…I get a light period before my period. I typically start spotting 7-8 days after I ovulate, which is WAY TOO SOON. All of my pre-IUI tests came back clear and I have no polyps, cysts, fibroids, blocked tubes, endometriosis, etc. and my progesterone is now normal thanks to supplementation. So pretty much, I am still unexplained. The RE wants me to have another check of my uterine cavity to see if I’ve had any growths appear since my last test, so I am having a saline sonogram early next week. If I do have something growing in my uterus, I will need to have some sort procedure done to remove whatever is there. Providing that test comes back all clear, we have 2 choices moving forward. 1.)We can do another IUI with PIO (intramuscular progesterone injections) and progesterone bloodwork and uterine ultrasounds every other day in my luteal phase to try to address any pre-period bleeding before it happens. She isn’t sure if the PIO is going to help stop the bleeding but wants to give it a try because sometimes people respond better to different progesterone compounds. 2.)We move to IVF with the same luteal phase monitoring and PIO.
This is a whole lot to think about and nothing is a sure thing. Mr. Lovey Pants and I will need to seriously review our options and discuss what our game plan is. Of course, our chances of conceiving with IUI are only 15-20% and it hasn’t worked yet, but PIO and luteal phase monitoring could help. Or, we move to IVF, with our chances of conceiving jumping to 50-60% and include PIO and luteal phase monitoring. I have no clue what to think, my head is spinning, but I am happy that there are a few other options for us.
Please feel free to leave comments offering some advice. Sometimes an objective opinion can add some perspective. What would you do?
Until then…..xoxoxo
Monday, January 3, 2011
IUI #4 is a BUST
So much for being so confident this cycle. Where did that get me?
I called my nurse to schedule bloodwork and I go in Wednesday morning to confirm that I am not pregnant....like I don't already know. Then I called my RE's assistant (Jaime) and our WTF consult is set for Friday. Jaime was so unbelievably nice to me and even though I wasn't crying and I didn't ask for any favors, she put me in the first available slot and promised to call me if there was a cancellation. She promised that they will do whatever they can do to get me pregnant and I believe her.
By the time I got off the phone, I was sobbing and Beans started crying. I try so hard not to cry in front of her and I don't do it often, but today I couldn't help it. Like the amazing little girl she is, she climbed onto my lap, squeezed me, and told me that everything was going to be ok. She then asked if we could go upstairs to Mommy's bed to snugs and we did just that. I snuggled her until she fell asleep and then I did the same.
Until next time....xoxoxo
I called my nurse to schedule bloodwork and I go in Wednesday morning to confirm that I am not pregnant....like I don't already know. Then I called my RE's assistant (Jaime) and our WTF consult is set for Friday. Jaime was so unbelievably nice to me and even though I wasn't crying and I didn't ask for any favors, she put me in the first available slot and promised to call me if there was a cancellation. She promised that they will do whatever they can do to get me pregnant and I believe her.
By the time I got off the phone, I was sobbing and Beans started crying. I try so hard not to cry in front of her and I don't do it often, but today I couldn't help it. Like the amazing little girl she is, she climbed onto my lap, squeezed me, and told me that everything was going to be ok. She then asked if we could go upstairs to Mommy's bed to snugs and we did just that. I snuggled her until she fell asleep and then I did the same.
Until next time....xoxoxo
Headgames
I am really at the end of my rope with all of this infertility BS. I started spotting on NYE which is only 8 dpiui (days post IUI) and it has been getting heavier, then disappearing, then reappearing, etc. Why mess with my head? If AF (a friend/period) is going to show up...just show up.....STOP SCREWING WITH ME! Every time I go to the bathroom, I am scared. I am seriously holding it in because I just can't face what I know is coming. This is the same shit that happens EVERY MONTH. The crinone gel clearly did not stop the spotting and I am at a loss. This scenario is all too familiar. My optimism is running out and my patience is at an all time low. I know its not over til its over but after 19 cycles of TTC I know whats up.
If I got pregnant this cycle, my due date would be Mr. Lovey Pants' 40th birthday. What an amazing gift that would be for him. He wants this so bad and I know that he doesn't BLAME me, but it still makes me feel bad. I know this is getting to him and he isn't vocal about it like me, so he keeps it all in and I can see it in his eyes. I see the disappointment in his face and it just kills me. How can I fix this? I wish I knew how.
Trying to hold onto any hope that I may have left, bt it is pretty tough.
Until next time....xoxoxo
If I got pregnant this cycle, my due date would be Mr. Lovey Pants' 40th birthday. What an amazing gift that would be for him. He wants this so bad and I know that he doesn't BLAME me, but it still makes me feel bad. I know this is getting to him and he isn't vocal about it like me, so he keeps it all in and I can see it in his eyes. I see the disappointment in his face and it just kills me. How can I fix this? I wish I knew how.
Trying to hold onto any hope that I may have left, bt it is pretty tough.
Until next time....xoxoxo
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