Headgames

I am really at the end of my rope with all of this infertility BS.  I started spotting on NYE which is only 8 dpiui (days post IUI) and it has been getting heavier, then disappearing, then reappearing, etc.  Why mess with my head?  If AF (a friend/period) is going to show up...just show up.....STOP SCREWING WITH ME!  Every time I go to the bathroom, I am scared.  I am seriously holding it in because I just can't face what I know is coming.  This is the same shit that happens EVERY MONTH. The crinone gel clearly did not stop the spotting and I am at a loss.  This scenario is all too familiar.  My optimism is running out and my patience is at an all time low.  I know its not over til its over but after 19 cycles of TTC I know whats up. 

If I got pregnant this cycle, my due date would be Mr. Lovey Pants' 40th birthday.  What an amazing gift that would be for him.  He wants this so bad and I know that he doesn't BLAME me, but it still makes me feel bad.  I know this is getting to him and he isn't vocal about it like me, so he keeps it all in and I can see it in his eyes.  I see the disappointment in his face and it just kills me.  How can I fix this?  I wish I knew how. 

Trying to hold onto any hope that I may have left, bt it is pretty tough.

Until next time....xoxoxo