I cannot believe that after 18 cycles of TTC #2, I still have nothing to show for it. How is it that I have unexplained secondary infertility? Someone please explain what unexplained secondary infertility is and how am I supposed to treat it if no one knows what is causing it. I DON’T GET IT!
I want to go back to my blissful ignorance of baby making. I don’t understand how with Bean we just had sex and then had a baby. That just seems so foreign and far away to me now. Is that really how it works? Silly me….I thought you injected yourself with drugs and conceived on an exam table in front of a live audience.
I am sobbing….like full blown sobbing and throwing tantrums like a child. I am mourning the loss of something I only HOPED, PRAYED, DREAMED, AND BEGGED for….something I still don’t have. I go for my beta (pregnancy blood test) for result of IUI #3 on Monday, but I am spotting A LOT and I know it is a bust.
I feel so stupid for even thinking this would happen to me this month. I knew it wasn’t happening…. then I would see a commercial, hear a song, have a thought and I would think that it was a sign that this month was THE MONTH. I am officially CRAZYTOWN. I don’t like rides and I really just want to get off this rollercoaster, but not without an extra passenger. I feel myself getting a little more bitter which each cycle that passes and I hate feeling that way.
It isn’t that I am not truly blessed with what I have…..my hubby rocks and my daughter is the best…..I just know, with all the faith in the universe, that our family is not complete. I.JUST.KNOW.IT!
I am really in disbelief that we have come so far down this road. We are going to call our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) on Monday to schedule a WTF (what the f**k) appointment and talk about next steps. For real….where do we go from here?
WELCOME TO CRAZYTOWN!
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