Enough Already

So yesterday I felt like crap physically.  My monthly visitor was here and she was brutal.  I did my best to trudge through the day and enjoying Christmas activities with Beans and Mr. Lovey Pants (yes that is what I decided to call my hubby on here), which I did thoroughly enjoy.  BUT, I had a feeling that something was off.  My cramps were bad.  I always get them, but this month they were tough.  I kind of felt like when I had my 2 chemical pregnancies.  Hmmmm.  So late last night, I took a test and wouldn't you know it was a BFP!  Seriously WTF?  Is this a joke?  There is absolutely no way in the world that this is sticking because of what's been coming out, so I am being tortured YET AGAIN.  I know that at this early stage in the game, there is nothing that can be done, so there is no point in even calling my RE.  I have an appointment first thing in the morning for bloodwork and ultrasound, so it will be confirmed then.  This totally sucks donkey balls.  I am so upset.  Why the torture?  I already swallowed the bitter pill of this being a cycle where I didn't get pregnant, but I had to trust my gut and the test confirmed what I already knew. 

Now, my fear that this may really never happen without taking it to the next level is staring me down and I am scared.  I am scared of what my RE is going to tell us at my WTF appointment, which I am scheduling tomorrow.  3 chemical pregnancies in 8 months is not good.  I am scared that IVF is our only option left.  Not that IVF is bad, but never in a million years, especially since Bean was conceived without any difficulty, did I ever think that this would be something I would have to know.  My other fear is that we won't be able to afford it.  We do have infertility insurance coverage, but it doesn't cover everything.  I know I am jumping the gun a bit on this, but do you know when you just know something in your gut?  I know A LOT of things in my gut and I am usually right.

This is so unfair.  It is unfair to Mr. Lovey Pants and it is unfair to Beans.  Mr. Lovey Pants has no issues with fertility, I DO.  This isn't his fault, IT'S MINE.  He never blames me or makes me feel like I am broken, but he doesn't have to.  I feel that way all on my own.  And Beans, she deserves a sibling.  She pretends her dolls are her baby brothers and sisters and it breaks my heart that I haven't been able to give her one yet.  She deserves this and so does Mr. Lovey Pants and SO DO I.