Torture

As I do with every cycle for the past 24 cycles, I am spotting and I am freaking the F out.  I know this is CAN be normal during IVF cycles, but this is my normal every month without getting pregnant, so I am a mess.  

I called my nurse last night and this morning and there is NOTHING that can be done.  I was at the RE this morning for a progesterone (P4) blood check and they ran an ultrasound anyway. My P4 came back at 18 which is normal and my ultrasound looked fine.  I know I should feel relieved, but I don't.  I am a wreck. 

I definitely appreciate all of the love and support I am getting from my friends and family, but I am getting sick of answering questions.  I know people are trying to help or relate when giving advice, but sometimes I just want to scream.  While I think it is great that you "know someone who knows someone" that went through IVF, it does not mean that you know what I feel like or should be telling me how to handle this.   It is so aggravating.  These people should not be telling me what I should do or tell me what worked for their cousin's wife's best friend.  I.DON'T.CARE.

I also know in my gut that there is going to be another pregnancy announcement or two coming very soon.  These announcements are going to come from people that I truly care about and I don't think I will handle it well.   I know that the world does not need to seek my permission, but in the state that I am in, I am irrational.  Yup, that is me.....a messed up, jealous, bitter, infertile bitch.

A friend of mine warned me of an acquaintance's pregnancy, which I was so thankful she warned me of.  This girl has been struggling in silence with infertility for years, so I am happy for her.  How silly is it that I feel happy for her (even though I'm not supposed to know) and I don't think I can handle that news from people that are a bigger part of my life?  I know it is messed up, but I can't just flip a switch and be normal again. 
And the spotting continues.

Until next time.....xoxoxoxo
Amanda