So here I am...awake for most of the night because I can't stop thinking of our poor embies fighting to be strong in the lab. I can't shut off my brain. I know that having a 3 day transfer later today is not bad news, it just isn't the news I was looking for. I know my RE prefers to do 5 day transfers, so it was definitely a huge blow to find out that she would rather me do a 3 day transfer. I was so confident that out of the 23 eggs that fertilized, we were going to have a handful of quality embryos to work with. To be honest, we may have quality embryos, but the change in embryos from fertilization to yesterday's check made the lab and my RE assume that Day 3 was better. I am holding onto every shred of hope that I have left.
Forget about having some left to freeze. I guess it is possible...anything is possible. Freezing was our back up plan and now we may not have one.....that is what scares me most. Mr. Lovey Pants and I decided that we were only going to try IVF once and then we were done. I know I could talk him into doing this again, but I don't think I can handle this again. I know this is the whole cart before the horse thing, but I am a planner....I need a plan.
When Mr. Lovey Pants got home from work last night, he told me that he was so angry when I told him the news, he wanted to rip off the top of his desk and throw it out the window. That is so unlike him to feel that way. He also jumped into research mode and consulted Dr. Google for the first time that I am aware of. He started acting the way I act.....creating a plan in case failure prevails. He said he would like to try Chinese herbs and acupuncture. Really? Now you want to try this. He has been so supportive and has been on board with everything so far, but now that we are approaching our agreed upon D-day, he wants to take the reins and have us go down yet another path. WHAT? I have been steering this journey and wracking my brain for almost 2 years. I've shared every bit of insight and information I have come across and now that the finish line is in sight, he is doing what I normally do...PANIC. He has been truly amazing throughout this whole ordeal and if our marriage weren't as strong as it is, I have no idea how we would make it through all of this. I think the lightbulb finally went off and he gets it, not that he didn't understand before, but now it is staring him down. This baby isn't coming along just because we do the deed and the harsh reality that this baby may never come has hit him. So now he feels extra sucky too...AWESOME :o(
I am so thankful that my parents are so understanding and took Beans overnight. I was just such a disaster yesterday and they were going to be watching her today during our transfer, so they picked her up earlier. She knew something was wrong with me and was crying that she wanted to stay with me. It broke my heart and I was sobbing as soon as she was gone. I wish she was here, so I could sneak into her bed and snuggle with her. Just being with her would make me feel so much better.....it always does.
I feel so guilty to be longing for another child so badly that it consumes my life. Beans is such a blessing and she truly is more than we could ever have asked for. She is so beautiful (I am not just saying this because I am her mom, she really is beautiful), smart (like scary smart for a 3 year old), sassy, super creative, and so much fun to be around. Anyone who knows her, knows how truly special she is. So how can someone ask for more when we are already blessed far beyond what we could have ever imagined? I guess it is just too much to ask and I hate the disappointment I feel because we don't have another. It is just a twisted way to feel.
Within a few hours, I will have my embryos inside of me and I will be pregnant...until proven otherwise. Ha! I need to pull it together and get positive. These embies need their mommy to be strong, so they can snuggle into their new home for the next 9 months. This is our shot and I can't leave anything to chance.
Until next time.......xoxoxo
Amanda
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