I obviously wasn't surprised when I got the news yesterday, I had a feeling since before the transfer. When you are in the throws of an IVF cycle, you have no choice but to forge ahead with the cards you are dealt.
When the nurse called me yesterday, she felt terrible. I'm sure she did. I can't imagine making those types of calls is something you want to do. My pregnancy hormone levels were not just at zero, they were in the negative. AWESOME. I am in the pregnancy deficit. She also let me know that none of my embryos made it to freeze, which I knew in my heart, but that was just another blow.
I scheduled my follow up consult (aka...my WTF appt) for next Friday. I am not ready to discuss moving on to another cycle, but I want to know what went wrong. This pre-period spotting needs to be addressed prior to me doing anything else. I don't feel that anyone has taken this spotting seriously. Maybe it is the problem, part of the problem or nothing at all. I want it investigated regardless. My other concern is that I may have an egg quality issue. None of the embryos survived, which is indicitive of an egg quality issue. This would suck because I don't think this can be fixed, but who knows. I guess I will find out more next Friday.
I also scheduled a 2nd opinion at another center in the area. Many women from an online message board I frequent have been successful here. I feel that I owe it to Mr. Lovey Pants and myself to see what another RE has to say. We may decide to be treated there, at my existing center, or nowhere at all. We just need to explore all of our options.
I am also going for a Reiki session tonight. I need to release and clear all of this energetic junk that no longer serves me. I think that this will make a huge difference for me in all aspects of my life, not just baby making issues.
I also scheduled an appointment to see an amazing chiropractor that is an intuitive empath. I have been putting off going to see her for months. I'm not sure why I have been doing this.....probably because I am afraid of what I might find out. This woman is amazing and has helped so many people, so I know that by being in her presence, I will be lucky enough.
This morning I went to the gym for the 1st time in almost 3 weeks. I took a 90 minute spin/yoga combo class. It felt AMAZING. I cleared a lot of junk out and cried a few times. (No one knew and no I didn't make a scene....it was spin and it is dark in there) I felt like I accomplished something huge today and all I did was go to the gym.
I also received a call today from a friend. Long story short...she knows of a young woman that is planning on giving her unborn baby up for adoption and she thought of me. How sweet of her to think of me? Adoption is something Mr. Lovey Pants and I never realy discussed, but both agree is beautiful in so many ways for so many people. For now, my friends is being a complete angel and is finding out some info. At the very least, we get some info and can determine if this is a route we want to take or not. It is amazing how the universe works!!
On another note, I actually feel good. Like so good that I feel guilty I am not more beat up over this good. I think I did most of my grieving over the past few weeks and am just happy to know either way. I feel like I have my life back and now I just want to live it.
Until next time.......xoxoxoxo
Amanda
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